


Gravity

by IWouldDieToMakeYouMine



Category: Broadway RPF, Music RPF
Genre: Angst, F/F, Friends to Lovers, Gay, Hurt/Comfort, Love, Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-24
Updated: 2017-10-26
Packaged: 2019-01-22 13:19:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 28,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12482504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IWouldDieToMakeYouMine/pseuds/IWouldDieToMakeYouMine
Summary: **REPOST**Reeling from a breakup with Andy, Jessie seeks solace in the comforting arms of her best friend Sara. But the more time they spend together, the more they realize that their feelings go beyond friendship. Their newly discovered feelings for each other lead them down a path that they never thought they'd take, especially not together.





	1. Chapter 1

The deep throbbing ache in her chest is like no other pain she’d ever experienced in her life. Jessie stands, stiff legged and numb, in the middle of her over-priced Queens apartment, hoping that the words that just pierced her eardrums were someone’s idea of a sick joke. The day before, a simple 24 hours previous, seemed like miles away and Jessie couldn’t run fast enough to get back to it. Back to the time when things were easy and happy. Everything she had known for a great part of her life was quaking and crumbling under her feet. The words, those dreaded words that made her flesh sting and her blood run cold, keep replaying in her head, and send fresh waves of agony through her body.

“Jess...I think we need a break. I need something more...dynamic.” His voice sounded like a synthetic echo in Jessie’s ears, like someone else was using his mouth to speak. “I’m just...bored.” It was so simply put, so nonchalant, like it was a casual thing. Maybe even rehearsed. It was said like it wasn’t going to shatter Jessie’s whole world and heart. How could someone who had devoted so much time to caring for someone, simply stop caring?

The last twenty minutes seemed to feel more similar to twenty years, a never ending abyss of time slowed down to a creaking pace, giving Jessie all the time in the universe to wallow in her suffering. Her mind is running rampant as she tries to gather some sort of grip on the situation. But her mind only can question everything from the last seven years; every smile, every tear, every date, everything. Every little fight Jessie and Andy ever had replays over and over in Jessie’s mind until even minor occurrences turn into massive swirling disasters the devil would have nightmares about. Jessie beats herself up, knowing she should’ve seen all the red flags that were right before her face. Even though there really weren’t any real red flags that would have foretold this outcome.

From the moment Jessie laid eyes on Andrew Truschinski, the local pretty boy nerd, she knew immediately that they’d have a long future together. She knew in the way the beautiful protagonists in those cheesy made-for-TV movies know that they’re going to fall for the last person they’d expect to. Jessie told her sister that very night that that boy was going to make her happy for a very long time, and she wasn’t exactly wrong. What she wasn’t expecting that a very long time meant two very different things to each of them; to Jessie it was dying in bed together in their late nineties, to Andy it was only seven years of boredom. But as Jessie sat across from that goofy lopsided grin accompanied by those captivating emerald eyes late that night at a shitty bar, she never imagined he’d leave her alone and broken.

Jessie recalls their first real date, the many theatre rehearsals and local opening nights almost counted as dates, but neither of them wanted to admit their feelings for each other. It was the dead of winter in Chicago and Andy showed up at Jessie’s door late that night, well after dark, with a puppy-dog smile and a two pairs of ice skates. Jessie tried her best to make him leave, but he was persistent and Jessie loved the way he wanted to spend time with her. It was refreshing being in love for the first time, and it was a feeling Jessie grew to love as much as Andy. When Andy drove passed all of the indoor ice skating rinks, Jessie grew concerned and tried to pry it out of them where he was taking her. When he didn’t answer, she was convinced he was going to murder her in the woods where no one would hear. He did take her into the woods, and Jessie was relieved to find a completely frozen pond instead of a creepy shack full of butcher knives. But another fear crept into her mind: she didn’t know how to ice skate. He’d tease her mercilessly for it, she knew that, so she just put her skates on with a false air of confidence and fell the minute she touched the ice. They laughed a lot, he taught her how to skate, he touched her gently, and she fell in love.

Back in the apartment, Jessie wonders if he fell too or if it was all a lie. Jessie finally gains the motivation to move, on wobbly knees, around the cold and empty apartment, but nothing felt right. It was like she was in someone else’s home, someone else’s life, and she was just spectating this poor woman’s life going wrong and driving fast into the ground. The pictures on the wall of her and Andy seemed fake and posed, the smell of Andy’s cologne makes her sick to her stomach, and the sight of their bed nearly knocks her off her feet. Jessie is about to run out into the street, just to get out of the heavy air of her home, when her phone vibrates against her thigh. Jessie blinks away the tears in her eyes until the name comes into focus. It's a message from Sara, 

_Hey, cutie, I was supposed to be having a get together tonight but everyone fucking bailed. I have snacks and wine. Get your ass over here and pig out with me._

Jessie tries to compose herself enough to send a reply that doesn’t give her situation away.

_I wish I could, but I’ve got some stuff to deal with here._

_Is it personal stuff?_

_Not really._

Jessie knows that it’s a mistake to lie about it, but it’s sent before she can think and it makes Jessie panic slightly. Sara had never seen her so upset before, and she wasn’t sure she wanted Sara to see her so upset, but it was too late. When her phone lights up again with Sara’s name, Jessie expects it to say exactly what it says.

_On my way._

Jessie paces frantically throughout the entire apartment, trying desperately to calm herself before having to show her face to Sara. Sara would know the second she sees her that something was wrong if Jessie didn’t hide any traces of the ache inside her chest. That’s one of the things that makes Sara such a good friend, except when Jessie didn’t want to be discovered. The very first time Sara saw right through Jessie’s smiley facade was during an early morning rehearsal in Cambridge when Jessie was starting to get sick, but trying her best to push through. Jessie had noticed Sara watching her closely, with suspicious eyes, all morning but pushed it aside for as long as possible. As long as possible was about thirty more minutes, until Sara cornered her in the hall for an interrogation.

“You look pale. Well, paler than usual. What’s wrong?” Sara stood before Jessie, her arms crossed, not letting her back onto the stage until she got some answers. Jessie huffed and still attempted, and failed, to get passed her.

“Sara, we have work to do, we haven’t got time for this.” Jessie rolled her eyes exasperatedly, realizing that it was a bit over dramatic for such a simple situation, but she was sure at that time that Satan’s wrath was toiling inside her stomach. So, in her mind, her dramatics were justified.

“You’re sick as shit, I can see it in your face and your attitude, Miss Sunshine.” Sara’s stern stance lessens into a more soft and sympathetic almost slump. “I can’t let you go back out there. I mean, no one wants to be vomited on, for one. But I also hate seeing you suffer.” Jessie opened her mouth to argue, but Sara immediately stops her by holding up her hand and making a scolding noise. “Don’t even think about arguing with me, you should know better by now that I almost always win arguments. It’s my real talent.” After some convincing, and a long awkward stand off in the hall, Jessie finally agreed to go home and let Sara take care of her.

Jessie smiles at the memory, but it hurts her to smile, like it isn’t appropriate to smile in this moment. Fresh waves of tears start pooling in her eyes, unwarranted, and Jessie grows furious about the salty drops rolling down her cheeks. Never did she ever think that a man would make her feel so pathetic and small, especially after all the years she’d spent building up her own self-esteem and independence. Abby had made her promise years and years ago, when they were kids, that they would never let men be the cause of their pain, but instead things like career failures and losing family members and having to move away from each other. Jessie gets the urge to call Abby and apologize for breaking her promise, but that would mean she’d have to tell Abby. That would mean that she would have to admit that Andy was gone and that this was really happening.

Jessie puts on music, the kind that always made her feel happy and took her away from reality, upon realizing that if Sara had left when she sent that text that she had approximately five minutes to put on her bubbly persona. Three minutes pass and Jessie knows she won’t be able to keep the persona up for long, that it was cracked and weak, allowing her pain to show through if someone knew where to look. And Sara knew where to look. Sara always knew. It infuriates Jessie that she can’t keep it together in front of her best friend, and she is almost tempted to hide in her bedroom until Sara goes away. But when the doorbell rings and Sara nearly beats down her door, Jessie’s first reaction is to open the door with the biggest fake smile she can muster.

“I have wine, and a fuck ton of little finger snacks that I don’t want to bring home, so I hope you’re hungry.” Sara announces as she barges in past Jessie with two bottles of wine and an arm full of grocery back which presumably held the previously mentioned snacks. Jessie lets out a sigh of relief that Sara hadn’t noticed anything wrong yet, but she knew it wouldn’t last long seeing as the minute Sara starts to pay attention to her over the things in her arms her cover will be blown. For the moment, though, Jessie enjoys floating inside of Sara’s story of how all of her ‘no good lousy musician friends’ had decided not to show up at her apartment for what was supposed to be the get together of the year.

“So, after waiting an hour and a half, I said to myself ‘fuck it, Jess is better than all of them combined.’ So, here I am now.” Sara shrugs, making herself at home in Jessie’s kitchen, as usual, pouring them wine and making plates of the snacks she brought. “Look, I even made your favorite.” Sara hums, proud of herself as she holds up a saltine cracker with some buffalo chicken dip on it. Jessie smiles, genuinely smiles, at Sara’s goofy little grin. Sara dances over to Jessie with the cracker held out in front of her, the silly way Sara thrusts her hips side to side makes Jessie laugh out loud. It makes her forget for a minute. Sara always had a way of doing that, and she didn’t even know she was doing it. That’s the thing about Sara that Jessie first noticed, the first thing that caught her attention and sucked her into their relationship.

“What are you doing, you goof?” Jessie chuckles, her voice small and weak, trembling slightly. Jessie grumbles to herself for not being able to control her voice, and she know the minute she says it Sara is going to see right through her. And Sara does. Jessie’s tone stops Sara in her tracks, her eyebrows furrow and she walks over to Jessie with clear intent. Before Jessie even has time to protest, and blame her voice on nothing more than a cough, Sara’s arms around her waist squeezing her tight. Jessie can’t argue when she feels so safe being held up in Sara’s strong arms. Jessie loses track of the time she spends being wrapped up in Sara’s presence, the warmth of Sara is the only thing keeping Jessie together.

“You don’t have to tell me, I won’t pry, but I’m here to get drunk with you.” Sara whispers, absentmindedly squeezing tighter when she feels Jessie’s tears soaking through her t-shirt onto her shoulder. Sara had never been good with giving advice, but she knows she’s good at comforting, and she knows just how to comfort Jessie.

“I-I don’t know if getting drunk if the best idea...” Jessie sighs and shakes her head. Jessie closes her eyes as she breathes in Sara, tremendously thankful just to have her in the same room as her, and to even have her in her life.

“Then we can just eat. I’ve never known anyone to turn down food in any situation.” Sara reluctantly pulls herself away from Jessie’s embrace to return to the kitchen and grab all the food she can carry in her arms, which in that moment Sara is grateful to have such long arms. “So, I have your dip, some chips and crackers, that s’mores dip that you made for me that one time, some Pinterest concoctions you showed me, and french toast. Gotta always have french toast.” Both women realize at the same time that almost everything Sara brought is something that has to do with Jessie, but neither of them give it more acknowledgment than a quick glance into each other's eyes before going back to the task at hand. The task at hand being Sara snuggling Jessie, wrapped thoroughly in many blankets, on the sofa and feeding her various snacks.

After a few moments, Sara deduces that the cause of Jessie’s pain is Andy, judging by the lack of the man on one of his days off, and the confused fury that fills Sara to the brim is enough to make her want to find him and murder. Ever since she met Andrew, she knew he wasn’t right for Jessie, partly because she always knew she was right for Jessie, but he didn’t treat her like a woman of Jessie’s quality was supposed to be treated. Sara had only seen him show up to Waitress once, and he was on his phone the entire time he was there after the show. He never accompanied Jessie to anything except an occasional opening nigh to a show he wanted to see, conveniently free thanks to his girlfriend. Sara had watched Jessie beg for Andy’s attention many many times and always brush it off with a ‘he’s just busy,’, or ‘he has a lot on his mind,’ or ‘there’s a game on tonight. Her excuses were always accompanied by an unconvincing smile, showing how little and inadequate she felt. Andy made her feel like that was how she deserved to be treated.

“He’s gone, Saz. I didn’t see it coming, I thought he was happy.” Jessie finally sighs after a while of barely eating in silence. A part of Sara feels satisfied about the words that just came out of Jessie’s mouth, but the other part of her berated her for feeling that way. Jessie is sitting before her eyes, literally suffering emotionally, and all she can think about it that man being out of the picture like the selfish ass she knows she is. “But apparently I’m just boring, I should’ve tried harder. You know?” Jessie shrugs, her voice wavering but she’s obviously trying to keep it steady.

“No, actually, Jess I don’t know. I have, for the past three years, watched you give that man everything you have just for him to turn around and rub it back in your face.” Sara shakes her head, some of her anger pushing through. “Jessie, I don’t understand how you’ve lived like this for so long. He is a literal asshat.” Sara knows better than to question Jessie like that in any situation let alone the current situation, but the words are out before she can think about how it’ll affect Jessie.

“Because I love him. Isn’t that what you do for someone you love?” The embarrassed innocence in Jessie’s eyes is enough to bring tears to Sara’s.

“You’re not supposed to give up your happiness to give it to someone else. Especially not someone who doesn’t appreciate it.”

Jessie doesn’t say anything more. She knows Sara’s right and refuses to admit it, her pride getting the best of her once more in her life. Jessie never really liked how hard it was for her to admit she was wrong, she never considered herself to be that kind of person, but she had accepted it a long time ago that nothing was ever going to change that. Sara takes Jessie’s silence harder than she should because she knows that Jessie is at war with herself, one side is telling her to give up the fight and the other telling her to double her efforts until she wins. The fight in her head is prominently displayed in Jessie’s red and wet eyes, Sara finds herself avoiding looking at them so she can stay strong for Jessie. If she looks into those pools of never ending cornflower blue, she’ll crumble under the weight of Jessie’s pain, and that’s the last thing Jessie needs

Jessie finally caves into the wine bottle calling her name from her dining table and submits to drinking straight out of it, with Sara’s obvious approval. They both know things will still hurt in the morning, but for now things would be forgotten in another life. Jessie is thankful that when she’s drunk that she gets bubbly and she can feel herself getting closer to that with each swig she takes of the dark bittersweet liquid. The music is blaring, the neighbors are pissed, Sara is dancing all over the apartment with her, and Jessie can’t even think about Andy. Well, she can’t until the music stops and he’s standing by the stereo. Sara is the first to notice he’s there, but it doesn’t register with Jessie until a few seconds after the music stops and Sara is standing protectively in front of her.

“Why are you here?” Sara all but growls, he teeth practically bared, ready to attack.

“I happen to live here and I know for a fact that our neighbors are an elderly couple that is in bed by eight pm who would not appreciate being woken up by the Killers at midnight.” Andy rolls his eyes and looks passed Sara to Jessie, who is standing up on the couch in a flannel with messy hair. Andy sighs at how beautiful she looks like that, but thinking how he’ll never have that Jessie back. He lost her a long time ago except on rare occasions.

“Andy, are you coming home?” Jessie’s speech is slightly slurred and her brows are furrowed in confusion as she steps off the couch closer to him. Andy doesn’t step away, but he stops her from putting her hand on his cheek, which causes a dagger to shoot through Jessie’s heart. “Why don’t you love me anymore?” Jessie whimpers.

“I do love you, but I need to go out and figure some stuff out for myself first. We jumped right into this and didn’t think twice about who we wanted to be first.” Andy is sure that that’s the right thing to say, but judging by the tears that start pooling in Jessie’s eyes, he knows he is wrong. Andy doesn’t say anything more as Sara comes up behind Jessie and wraps her arms around her, Sara’s glare could kill him. He excuses himself to the bedroom, where he gathers up as much as his stuff that’ll fit in two suitcases for the night, he’ll be back for the rest later. In the living room, Jessie is on the couch again, but this time she’s curled up in a drunken ball on Sara’s lap, crying softly. For the first time since he met Jessie, he didn’t care that she was crying, which shocked him more than anything in this whole situation. 

After he’s gone, Sara looks down at Jessie’s tired face, an ache spirals up through her chest to her eyes upon observing the tears fall from Jessie’s blank eyes. Jessie doesn’t even seem to be in the same universe as Sara, let alone the same room. She would give anything to know what was going through her mind, and would give anything to take away all the things that hurt. Sara can’t take anything away, she can only distract from the problems at hand. Well, distract as in get drunk, eat way too much and sleep. Which is exactly what they’ve accomplished.

“Jessa, you need to sleep. You’ll feel better when you wake up.” It’s a lie, they both know it, but Jessie doesn’t argue and quietly stands. Sara looks up at Jessie’s red eyes and gives her a sympathetic smile, which Jessie tries to return. Jessie lets out a pained sigh and turns to stumble out of the room, but stops in the doorway of her room.

“Saz…” She mumbles, facing away from Sara so she can’t see the embarrassed blush creeping up her cheeks. Sara stands immediately, ready to do whatever Jessie needed. After some hesitation, Jessie speaks again. “Please, stay.”

“Of course, I hadn’t planned on going anywhere. It wouldn’t be the first time I crashed on your couch.” Sara shrugs, thinking back to the time she got locked out of her apartment after she lost her keys in a cab. She had stayed for days and neither her or Jessie wanted to part ways when Sara’s replacement keys came in. Each woman had their own reasoning, both very different. Jessie enjoyed having the companionship of another woman, Sara enjoyed being in the presence of the woman she loved.

“Not…not on the couch.” Jessie swallows, staring at the messy unmade bed before, not sure she could brace sleeping in it alone. The last time she’d slept alone was when Andy went on the War Horse tour. Sara nods, knowing exactly what Jessie is asking of her, without a second thought Sara follows Jessie into her bedroom. Sara sits at the foot of the bed, somewhat awkward, like a kid staying over with a friend for the first time.

“I can sleep in the floor, if that’s more comfortable. I mean, I don’t mind to sleep in the bed with you, I just want you to be good…like comfortable.” Sara rambles her hands flying as words pour out of her mouth.

“I want you to sleep in the bed with me. I-I can’t sleep alone.” Jessie reluctantly admits from the bathroom, biting her lip as she waits for Sara’s inevitable judgy comment. But it never comes and Jessie comes out of the bathroom in her pajamas, to see Sara sitting on her bed. If the things had been different, if things were okay, Jessie would’ve pounced on her and snuggled her down on the mattress. Instead, Jessie crawls under the blankets and pulls the blankets up to her chin. Sara taps her foot nervously for a moment, before crawling on top of the blanket next to Jessie, but she knows that it isn’t the full extent of what Jessie needs. Jessie rolls over to face Sara, her eyes asking a silent question, one she’d too afraid to ask aloud.

“Okay…” Sara whispers and relief washes over Jessie’s features as Sara’s arms wrap around her waist once again that evening. Sara swallows, the feeling of Jessie’s curves against her own is almost overwhelming, but Sara pushes the feeling aside and focuses on holding Jessie close. Jessie snuggles close, nuzzling her face into Sara’s neck, and whispers things into Sara’s skin that she knows Jessie won’t remember in the morning. But Sara will. The gentle way Jessie’s soft voice wraps around her name, followed by a whisper of ‘I can’t live without you…’, causes Sara’s blood to run cold and her skin to crawl. Those were words that Sara had told Jessie many times, but with a different connotation. Jessie is drunk and hurt and confused, it could mean anything. Sara has to live with never knowing because once morning rolls around, Jessie will forget and Sara will try as best she can to forget.


	2. Chapter 2

When morning comes, Jessie is still wrapped up in Sara’s arms, sleeping peacefully as though her entire life wasn’t shattered to the ground twelve hours earlier. Sara had seen Jessie asleep before, many times, but never close enough to notice the little things. Little things like the way her eyes fluttered under her eyelids, or the way her nose twitched every so often, or how she breathes softly but slightly uneven. She could feel every breath against her chest, making her almost afraid to breathe to hard in case she would miss that feeling. In that moment, Sara realizes she wants to wake up like this for the rest of her life. Jessie stirs in Sara’s arms and Sara freezes so as not to wake her, but Jessie is already waking up. Sara watches her face carefully to observe the way her eyebrows furrows and her nose scrunches and how she licks her lips. Sara has to look away before the blush creeping up on her cheeks is too noticeable.

“G’morning. I didn’t think you’d still be here.” Jessie yawns. When her mouth closes, she has a small, sleepy, but genuine grin on her lips, making Sara melt.  
“Where else would I go?” Sara whispers, still holding Jessie but Jessie doesn’t seem to mind as she snuggles in closer to Sara. Sara swallows and holds onto Jessie’s waist a little too tight, and takes a deep breath before speaking to steady her voice.

“A-are you hungry? I-I can cook, or try to, or order food.” Sara’s voice betrays her as she speaks and bites her lip against a whispered curse word at her weakness. Jessie doesn’t seem to notice, seeing as her eyes are closed again and her eyebrows are furrow so tight they could almost reach out and touch one another. Sara thinks for a moment her hangover is starting to kick in, but when she sees the moisture collecting in Jessie’s mascara covered lashes, she knows that isn’t what’s hurting Jessie. Never being the one good with people crying, she always left that to her oldest sister, Sara just looks down at Jessie and pats her back gently. One of the things Sara was taught growing up was that sometimes it is better to say nothing at all than to say the wrong things. Neither of them talk for a long time, a very long time, possibly even hours. Jessie’s hands clutch at Sara’s clothes, her eyes pour, and Sara wants nothing more to stop everything for Jessie and bring back her sunshine. Even if just for a little while. 

That’s when the idea pops into Sara’s head; a bursting vision of Jessie playing on a swing set in the nearby park, her eyes lit up and no longer gloomy, the sun shining on her face so as to take away the storm brewing in her features. Sara pulls away from Jessie just enough to look into her face, but apparently too far for Jessie judging from the tiny whimper that rises in her throat. Sara shushes her gently, not to make her feel bad but to reassure her of her presence. Sara didn’t mind holding Jessie, and would hold her until the end of time if that meant making her feel safe, loved, and okay. If Jessie totally turned down her offer, then she’d wrap her up extra tight for the rest of the day, but the offer is worth a try.

“Jessa, I have a proposition I don’t think you’ll be able to resist.” Sara starts, giving Jessie an opportunity to decide right off if she doesn’t want to do anything or if she’s open.

“Y-yeah?” Jessie whispers, quietly and small, barely even audible to Sara. But Sara hears her willingness and it brings a smile to her face.

“If I’m not mistaken, there is a small park not too far from here, walking distance even, that offers a fully functional swingset, soft grass, and a beautiful view of the sunset from a very secluded park bench. Now, I know you’re wondering ‘Saz, why would that interest me?’. Well you see, my dear Jessica, if we leave now we have plenty of time to swing until we can reach the clouds and roll around in the softest patches of grass before the sunsets. I know how much you love these New York sunsets.” Sara’s animated description of what they could be doing instead of moping around brings a big toothy grin to Jessie’s face, even if only for a second it is present and Sara sees it. That’s all that matters. “Well, then, I think we should get to it.” 

Jessie hesitantly pries herself away from Sara’s arms, neither of them really want to let go of the other, and once they’re apart they feel almost a sense of loneliness. A sense they both push aside. Jessie opts in for a flowery romper, one she’d never worn before for fear of it not looking right on her. No one, not even Andy had seen it on her, and when she steps out before Sara her arms are tucked in close to her body as though she’s hiding herself from judgement. Sara’s mouth falls agape just slightly at the sight of Jessie and a small gasp escapes from her lips. Sara doesn’t even realize she’s staring until Jessie gets extra shy and basically dives out of Sara’s line of sight to look for a pair of shoes that would match. Jessie swallows and takes her time picking out her shoes to calm her shaking hands before she has to face Sara again. Meanwhile, Sara leaves the bedroom to pace the living room, to yell at herself for being so ridiculously stupid. Ever since she showed up the night before, she’s been a bumbling idiot and not at all cool about the situation at hand. She might as well admit her feelings to Jessie, considering that if she didn’t hold back then Jessie would figure things out for herself very soon.

Jessie comes into the living room to see Sara pacing, and looking very troubled. Jessie watches her for a long moment, noting certain things about Sara. The crinkles in the her forehead that begin at her eyebrows and seem to go on forever, her fluttering eyes that appear to be seeing something that is only in Sara’s mind, the way her throat muscles flex when she swallows. Jessie realized that she could stare at Sara all day, every day. She considers asking to draw her, but before she has the chance she realizes Sara is staring back at her. Their eyes lock and Jessie feels suddenly so expose, so much more exposed to anyone than she ever has in her life, and what shocks her is that she doesn’t mind. She doesn’t know what the feeling is, but she thinks she likes being open to Sara in the most intimate way possible. 

“We should go…” Jessie is the first to say anything, but she doesn’t make any motion to move for quite awhile after she speaks, and when she does it’s a few steps in Sara’s direction until they’re in close proximity of one another’s face. But it isn’t long enough for Sara, or Jessie.

The sun is low in the sky when they arrive at the park after an awkward twenty minute walk. The air is heavy for the entire walk, heavy with the unspoken question that neither of them want to address. There were honestly many questions running through their heads, but there was only one that matter, that encapsulates all of the others: Why?. Neither of them understood why what happened happened, or why they allowed themselves to get to close. Jessie wondered why she isn’t hurting as much when she is with Sara; everything in her says she should be lying on the kitchen floor sobbing into ice cream, but when she looks at Sara the agony fades away into a dull ache. She wonders if she was ever in love with Andy, or if she was just in love with the idea of being in love.

They have the park almost completely to themselves, save for a few straggling mother’s trying to tire their kids out for the night, and when Sara isn’t expecting it, Jessie slips her hand into hers. Sara’s eyes snap over to Jessie to make sure that she’s okay, but Jessie is staring straight ahead of her, seemingly at the swings, with no trace that she acknowledges their intertwined fingers. Sara doesn’t mention it either. Jessie reluctantly slides her hand out of Sara’s when they approach the swings and sits on one that is the lowest to the ground, but her feet still don’t reach the ground. Sara smirks and goes to stand behind her.

“I’ll push you, shorty.” Sara laughs and places her hands on Jessie’s back. Jessie kicks her legs out in front of her and Sara gives a rough push, nearly knocking Jessie off the seat. Jessie screeches and laughs as she clings to the wobbly shaking chains so she doesn’t face plant into the worn down dirt below her. 

“Saz! You’re going to kill me!” Jessie exclaims, her eyes trained on the ground. Sara laughs and apologizes, before pushing Jessie again, but not as rough this time. Jessie helps by swinging her legs back and forth, and before she knows it, she’s soaring high. Sara was right, she could almost touch the clouds she’s flying so high, but every time she reaches out she’s pulled back down to the earth at a crashing speed. But she never crashes, Sara always catches her, and Sara always gives the clouds back to her with each gentle but firm push. Jessie can close her eyes and feel the wind whip through her hair in the confidence that Sara will always be there to catch her. 

When she’s done swinging for the evening, she tells Sara to let her go, to let her slow down on her own so she can jump off. Sara sits on the swing next to Jessie’s, swaying back and forth gently, so she can watch Jessie jump. And when Jessie jumps, she swears she sees a falling angel. Jessie hits the ground feet first and rolls to her knees, giving Sara a heart attack, but when she sees Jessie laughing on the ground, she can’t help but join her. They lay next to each other for a long time, cloud gazing, gossiping, telling each other secrets, and just enjoying being with each other for as long as possible in the cool summer grass. 

As the sun starts setting, the girls make their way to the clearing in the trees that overlooks the Manhattan city line. Instead of sitting on the bench, Jessie sits on the ledge over the river, wanting to be close enough to reach out and touch the shades of yellow and pink melting together as the sun disappears to give the moon her chance to shine. The colors of the fading day are projected onto Jessie’s face, lighting up her feature and making Sara see her in a new way. Her soft feature are softer, giving away her entire story from her childhood until that exact moment. Sara wants to reach out and touch her face, to trace her skin and read her story with her fingertips and feel it in her soul. Sara’s is sure Jessie reads her mind because she looks over at Sara the minute she has the thought with open and inviting eyes, but Sara still asks before she runs her fingertips along the soft lines that makes Jessie’s face. As soon as Sara’s skin comes into contact with Jessie’s, her eyes fill up and flutter closed. 

“Why are you crying?” Sara breathes, worried she’s doing something wrong. Jessie can barely speak around the lump in her throat, but she manages.

“I-I forgot what it f-felt like to be touched so gently.” Jessie whimpers. Her hands are held in tight trembling balls, as though she were bracing herself for it all the disappear any moment; Sara reaches out with her free hand and wraps it around Jessie’s to reassure her that she is staying put. This makes Jessie’s eyes shoot open, she’s almost overwhelmed by the feeling behind a simple touch of the hand, and she meets Sara’s russet brown eyes looking back at her with the same raw emotions.

“Sara…” 

“Jessie…” Sara swallows as she sees Jessie leaning in closer, trying to keep her eyes open in case this is all an elaborate dream and she’ll wake up in her own bed alone. But when Jessie’s lips graze against hers, Sara’s knows she is awake, and this is real. A part of them both knows this won’t end well, that they’re both just vulnerable, but that part of them is hushed by the sound of the other’s breath against their cheek. Jessie’s hands find their way to tangle in Sara’s hair and Sara’s find their way to grip onto Jessie’s hips tightly. The kiss deepens until Sara and Jessie are panting into each other’s mouths, but still they’re desperate more. Until Jessie pulls away. Sara kisses down Jessie’s jaw, getting ahead of herself and not realizing Jessie’s state until she feels the warm droplet on her cheek. 

“Fuck. Jess, I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have…” Sara trails off and closes her eyes upon seeing Jessie’s broken expression. 

“No, it’s not your… It just doesn’t feel right...Not yet.” Jessie murmurs, looking down at her hands, still reveling in the way Sara’s hair felt between her hands. 

“Yet?” Sara inquires, still hopeful. Jessie sighs and looks up at Sara with sympathetic eyes.

“I...Sara, no. I can’t.” Jessie shakes her head and hurries to her feet, still shaking her head. “I’m sorry. I was wrong to… I didn’t know that this would happen. I have to go.” By the time she finishes speaking, Jessie’s voice is high pitched and cracking on almost every other word. Before Sara has time to respond, Jessie is already rushing away across the lawn of the park in the quickly fading light. Sara stares after her until it’s too dark to see, hoping that she’ll come back. But she never does. And Sara finds herself home alone around midnight, dazed and confused from the events of the evening. She crawls into bed immediately, not changing her clothes, not doing her nighttime ritual, and curls up in a tight ball. The last thing Jessie needed was someone to confuse and hurt her, and that’s exactly what Sara did, despite telling herself to back off. It would take nothing short of a miracle to fix the mess she’s gotten herself into.

Everything is silent for days, Jessie doesn’t look at her phone, she doesn’t listen to music, she doesn’t turn on the TV. She can’t bring herself to listen to anything other than her own thoughts; she convinces herself she deserves the punishment. Sara looked so hurt when she had glanced over her shoulder as she hurried away from her, and her feelings, and it was the look in Sara’s eye would be forever ingrained in her memory. It would always be there to haunt her when she closed her eyes because she knows it was her who caused it. It’s a cool rainy day when Jessie looks out her bedroom window, the sun is hidden by clouds and the sky’s tears beat a gentle pitter patter against the glass, and she can feel the pain behind each drop that rolls heavy down her window. She wonders if Sara is watching the rainfall, knowing how much Sara loves the rain. An image of Sara laughing as she runs down 47th street through the rain enters her mind unwarranted, causing raindrops of her own to appear in her eyes. Jessie shakes her head and furiously wipes at the tears threatening to spill down her cheeks; she’s tired of crying and tired of doing nothing. 

The knocking at her door honestly doesn’t surprise Sara at all, after all she’d been locked in her apartment for days with little to no contact with the outside world. In any circumstance, she hides herself away for the most part when she’s writing, but this time it was different, this time she wanted to be lost in her work and never found. But it would make sense for someone to show some concern for her absence, but who is on the other side of the door is the surprise. Jessie, drenched and looking like a drowned cat, stands before her seeming to be at a loss for words, even though Sara can see everything she wants to know in her eyes. But, Sara wants to, Sara needs to, hear it from Jessie’s mouth. 

“Saz…” Jessie starts, breathless as though she’d ran the entire way to her apartment from Queens; Sara wonders if she did. “I-I was wrong to-”

“Kiss me?” Sara cuts her off, suddenly angry that Jessie that has the audacity to stand before her and tell her the same things she already knew. Jessie shakes her head, obviously trying to gather her thoughts into a comprehensible statement. 

“To leave you alone in the park. I shouldn’t have led you on to let you down like that. It’s not because…” Jessie takes a deep breath, “it’s not because I didn’t want to, because I did. I still do, and I’d like to...again.” Jessie swallows and tries to read Sara’s expression, but she’s just as confused as Jessie is. Sara considers Jessie’s words for a moment, turning them over and over in her head. She said she wanted to kiss her again, but Sara feared that she’d run again. Sara also knew that if she didn’t go for it, then she would never know. Jessie turns to walk back down the street, but she doesn’t get very far before she feels Sara’s slender fingers wrap around her wrist. When Jessie turns around to ask what Sara is doing, her lips are immediately met by Sara’s. Jessie gasps, not sure for a moment to do with her hands, but she remembers how good her fingers felt laced in Sara’s hair. Her fingers in the dampening chestnut locks feel like home and for a moment everything disappears except for the way Sara’s lips feel with the rain dropping down onto their faces. 

Sara pulls Jessie closer to her body by her hips, relishing in the way Jessie’s curves mold perfectly to her own. Jessie walks Sara back into the open door of her apartment, barely closing it before she’s being pinned against it by Sara’s hips. This time when Sara’s lips start wondering, Jessie doesn’t stop them, instead she whimpers and gasps softly when they find those sweet spots that make Jessie’s knees weak. Jessie’s nails are digging into Sara’s shoulders hard enough to leave marks, but she doesn’t mind, it’ll be a reminder that this is really happening. Sara sinks her teeth into Jessie’s collar bone, smiling when she elicits a low moan from Jessie’s throat and feels her hips rock against her own.

“Jessa, can I have you?” Sara whispers into the smooth creamy skin of Jessie’s neck. Jessie swallows and lets out a deep breath, not even realizing she had been holding it, before nodding slowly.

“Please...take me.” Sara doesn’t need any more permission than Jessie’s spoken consent to wrap her legs around her waist and carry her to the bedroom, kissing the entire way to the room. Jessie is laid gently on her back on the unmade soft bed, and Sara crawls over top of her so their faces are close enough for their breaths to reach out and caress each other’s face. 

“Have you done this before?” Sara whispers, her hands caressing Jessie’s cheek and side. Sara takes a deep steadying breath when Jessie tells her she’s never done it with woman before but she wants to with Sara. She knows she has to be extra careful and extra gentle with Jessie; after all she wants this to be more than just a one night stand. Jessie’s hair is soaked when she runs her hands through the honey colored strands slowly while her other hand makes quick work of the zipper on her sweatshirt, to reveal the sheer bra below. Jessie suddenly feels exposed and her cheeks turn red and she has to look away from Sara’s gaze upon her body.

“Jessa, you are magnificent.” Jessie shakes her head without thinking about it, out of habit, and Sara gently pulls her chin back towards her until Jessie’s eye are locked with her own. “You are. I don’t care what Andy has ever said to make you believe otherwise, but it isn’t true, whatever it is. You are like like a sunrise and a sunset at once, bathed in the light of the moon. Nothing can compare to your beauty.” Sara leans forward to brush her lips against Jessie in a quick, yet searing kiss. Jessie wraps her arms around Sara’s shoulders, just needing to be as close as possible to Sara, while she kisses her. She breaks the kiss when Sara’s fingertips find their way to her breast, a soft moan escaping her lips as Sara teases her nipple gently. It had been so long since Jessie had been touched so softly in such an intimate way. Every time Andy took her to bed, it was always about him getting off and rarely ever her.

By the way Jessie moves over such a simple touch speaks endless truths that Jessie would never speak out loud; Sara has to calm the anger pooling in her stomach from realizing how much Andy has deprived her, but she knows this isn’t the place to want to murder Jessie’s ex boyfriend, that would be reserved for a later time. Now, Jessie was below her, looking up at her like an innocent kitten waiting to be shown how to live again, and Sara wants to show her the world; how happy and good things can be with the right person. Jessie clings to Sara, nervously, as Sara’s hands push her sweatshirt off and reaches behind her to unclasps her bra. It’s overwhelming, the feeling of Sara’s lips and tongue caressing her chest, but in the best way imaginable. Jessie wants nothing more than to feel Sara’s mouth, so soft and warm and safe, on her for the rest of her life.

Her skin tastes like the sweetest wine she’s ever tasted, it’s as soft as the most luxurious silk, and Sara cannot get enough of it below her lips. Before long, Sara’s moving down along Jessie’s torso, leaving a trail of kisses but no marks, as though she were afraid to damage a beautiful masterpiece. But Jessie wants to be marked, she wants to be made into Sara’s masterpiece with splashes of red and purple on her cream colored canvas. When Sara realizes, she takes her time moving back up along Jessie’s body, this time leaving a trail of splashes of red that turn to purple, until she gets to her neck. Jessie knows that the next time she looks at herself in the mirror, she’ll look like a painting. For the first time in a long time, Jessie wants to look at her body.

When Sara is satisfied with her work on Jessie’s body, she finds herself hovering above Jessie’s hip, her hands clutching the outside of Jessie’s thighs. Jessie is writhing beneath her, already incredibly worked up just from Sara’s mouth on her body, and Sara can’t wait to see how she reacts to her mouth on her body where it matters the most. Sara is nervous, but she can’t let it show, as she slides Jessie’s legging and panties down her legs, noting the way her breathing picks up. Jessie can’t believe Sara is there, cradled between her thighs, about to give her something she’s been craving for such a long time. They both secretly pray they’re good enough for the other woman. 

Jessie nearly jumps off the bed when Sara’s mouth makes contact with her core, and lets out a low, whining moan. Sara can’t stop the smile that tugs at the corners of her mouth from pride; pride that she is making Jessie feel good again. Jessie’s eyes are screwed shut, and her mouth open wide, her breathing heavy, as Sara’s mouth gently strokes her to pull her closer and closer over the edge with each stroke. And it won’t be long before she’s falling over the edge. Sara digs her nails into Jessie’s hips when Jessie’s hands find their way into her hair once again; she tugs and her nails drag along Sara’s scalp, making Sara moan quietly, sending a vibration through Jessie. The vibration causes Jessie to cry out and she decides she likes that feeling quite a lot, so she pulls Sara’s hair again to feel it once more.

Soon, Jessie’s hips are bucking off the bed, her body growing tense, Sara’s name on her lips as she crashing hard over the edge; she sees stars, and her body is simultaneously goes hot and cold. Sara holds her hips tight as she brings her back down to Earth, and Jessie’s hands slip from her hair as her body goes lax. Sara kisses, just kisses, her way back up to Jessie’s lips, where she looks into Jessie’s dilated pupils while she kisses her passionately. Jessie tastes herself on Sara’s lips and she fights to taste more, deepening the kiss to wrap her tongue around Sara’s. They kiss for what seems like an eternity, until Sara reluctantly pulls away to lie next to Jessie, but they never lose skin contact. Whether it’s Sara stroking Jessie’s sides or the now purpling marks all over Jessie’s skin, or Jessie running her hands lazily through Sara’s hair to watch her purr like a cat. 

“What about you, Saz?” Jessie whispers, her voice hoarse. “Don’t you want to feel good too?” 

“I do feel good. I made you feel good, and that’s all that matters to me.” Sara hums, pressing a soft kiss to Jessie’s forehead. Sara wouldn’t tell her until later that she wasn’t a big fan of receiving because of her insecurities, she wouldn’t tell her until she needs to know. Right now, what she cares about is taking care of Jessie, who is starting to doze off in her arms, and Sara sings a quiet song in Jessie’s ear until she’s asleep. Sara pulls as close as possible, relishing in the afterglow, for all she knew it could be gone in an instant, and that scared her more than anything else.


	3. Chapter 3

The next morning brings about many feeling inside Jessie, feelings she’d never had to process before. With Andy it was always the same routine; go to bed, fuck, wake up, and go to work. There was never much else in between, except for the occasional date when Andy could pry himself from his own needs, but there was hardly ever time for Jessie in his schedule. With Sara, Jessie almost always came first in any situation. The thought of it makes Jessie’s head spin. She never realized before how much Sara wants her, she feels like an idiot for never seeing it. Jessie’s back is to Sara, and she can feel Sara’s nose pressing into the back of her neck, her arm wrapped protectively around her naked waist; it’s not a feeling Jessie has experienced in many years, but it’s a feeling Jessie could get used to. Even though deep in her mind, she knows it has to be too good to be true. 

Sara stirs behind Jessie and pulls her closer as she wakes up, relishing in the feeling of having the warmth of someone else’s body pressed against her own. It wasn’t very often Sara got to wake up to another person wrapped in her arms. Not like this at least. Jessie’s bare skin burns like molten gold under her own as much as it had the night before, even without the promise of passion like before. Sara can’t help but let her fingers trail along Jessie’s sides, tracing each love bite that she left splattered across her skin. Jessie was always beautiful, that is no secret to Sara, but she added a part of herself to the beauty. No matter how temporary it is, Sara will always remember what Jessie looks like with her on her skin. She’ll cherish it until her mind is gone and she can barely remember her own name.

“Good morning, Jessa.” Sara whispers into Jessie’s neck when she realizes Jessie is awake. Jessie hums and laces her fingers with Sara’s hand that is just resting on her stomach, a shiver runs through her body as she remembers lacing her fingers with Sara’s last night as she fell over the edge into pure bliss. 

“Hi, Saz.” Jessie grins, a little giggle bubbles in her throat and just barely rises out with her words. Sara catches it and bites her lip against her own giggle; it’s such a sweet sound Sara wants to drown in it. 

“How are you feeling?”

“Deliciously sore.” Jessie purrs and rolls over to look into Sara’s dark eyes. Sara’s hands rest on Jessie’s hips and pulls her close enough to kiss, but she never does, much to Jessie disappointment, Instead, she simply grazes her lips over Jessie’s as she whispers, seductively.

“Guess you’re not up for round two, then?” 

Jessie grins and closes the small gap between their lips, surprising Sara by taking the lead. Jessie deepens the kiss, wanting nothing more than to be as close to Sara as physically possible, and then some. She leads in the battle for dominance and Sara lets her for awhile, until Jessie swings a leg over Sara’s hip and straddles her waist. Sara breaks the kiss to gasp and look into Jessie’s eyes with her own wide with nerves. Jessie strokes Sara’s cheek and smiles softly.

“Sara...Can I? Please.” Jessie asks, her voice soft and undemanding, giving Sara full control of the situation. Sara’s hands tremble on Jessie’s hips, it had been so long since someone had touched her other than herself, but it was always Jessie she imagined touching her. Now that she’s really here, Sara doesn’t know if she can handle the overwhelming thought of Jessie actually being the one to bring her over the edge. She’d be disappointed by how she looks, or how she feels, or tastes. There were so many things telling Sara to push her away and hide from Jessie forever. But her mouth says yes, and she means it. She has everything to lose, but she trusts Jessie to take care of her, to hold her tight and never let go.

Jessie licks her lips and kisses Sara again, taking her time just as Sara had with her, gently caressing Sara’s skin with her teeth and tongue. Sara usually wants it rough and quick, so she doesn’t have to deal with anything other than getting off and saying goodbye, but she wants Jessie to take all the time in the world. She wants Jessie to take all day just kissing her neck, to let her discover every inch of her, everything that makes her tick and everything that doesn’t. For once, Sara doesn’t want to tell someone how to fuck her. Jessie makes her way down to Sara’s neckline, and realizes Sara is still fully clothed from yesterday. Slowly, Jessie runs her hands down Sara’s torso to the hem of Sara’s t shirt and slides her hands underneath it, slowing pulling it up to reveal Sara’s skin as her hands glide along her abdomen. Sara gasps, gripping Jessie’s shoulders out of both excitement and fear of what’s next. 

Jessie leans over to run her tongue along each newly exposed inch of skin, the sensation makes Sara nearly jump off the bed. By the time Jessie gets to her chest, Sara is breathing hard and worked up, her chest heaving and her face flushed deep crimson. Jessie pulls the shirt the rest of the way off, so it isn’t in the way, and takes Sara’s nipple into her mouth, while she rolls the other between her fingers.Sara arches off the bed into Jessie’s mouth and hand, needing more of Jessie, needing everything Jessie can give her. And Jessie does just that. When Jessie finishes with Sara’s breasts, she kisses her way down Sara’s body, paying special attention to the spots that make Sara moan and gasp, until she makes her way to Sara’s hips. Jessie dips her fingers into the waistband of Sara’s pants, and Sara immediately lifts her hips off the bed so Jessie can pull them off quickly, exposing herself completely to Jessie. Sara closes her eye, so she doesn’t have to see Jessie’s face when she sees her, but Jessie’s response makes her eyes snap open again.

“You look amazing, Saz.” Jessie swallows, and strokes Sara’s thighs gently. Jessie just stares at Sara for awhile before ever moving closer to Sara’s core. Jessie moans as she runs her tongue along Sara’s sex, and Sara’s hips buck off the bed. Jessie holds her hips still as she swirls her tongue around Sara’s clit slowly and deliberately. Sara whines low and buries her hands in Jessie’s hair, tugging slightly which causes Jessie to moan in response. The vibrations shoot through Sara’s body and pulls her closer to achieving bliss. Jessie redoubles her effort so Sara will keep pulling her hair and raking her nails along her scalp. Sara knows she won’t last much longer, and when Jessie slides two fingers into her, it’s Sara’s undoing. Sara cries out and pulls Jessie’s hair so hard she almost pulls Jessie away unintentionally. Jessie doesn’t stop until Sara is coming down from her high and relaxing on the bed.

“Jessa...fucking hell.” Sara breathes, her chest still heaving and sweat rolling down her forehead. Jessie grins and crawls up next to Sara, pulling her into her arms and stroking her hair. 

“It isn’t even ten am yet.” Jessie remarks, laughing to herself. Sara snorts and rolls her eyes. 

“In that case, we better get up and get a start on the day.” Sara shrugs and starts to pull away from Jessie’s arms, knowing it would elicit a whimper of argument. Jessie’s embrace tightens and she refuses to let Sara get out of bed. 

“Jess, if I don’t eat soon, I will become a bear. So, you’d best let me go.” 

Jessie huffs and removes her arms from Sara’s waist, instead crossing them over her chest to add to the pout on her face. Sara leans back over and kisses Jessie’s pouty mouth, laughing when Jessie follows her mouth as she pulls away. Sara offers her hand to Jessie, in a dramatic ‘may I help you out of your carriage, milady?’ sort of way that makes Jessie roll her eyes but take Sara’s hand regardless. Out of all the things they’d done so far, Jessie thinks her favorite is holding Sara’s hand. Or maybe the kissing. Or the sex. Maybe all of it is her favorite. As the realization hits her that she just wants every part of Sara, she stops in her tracks, confusing Sara, and looks at Sara seriously.

“Do you love me?” Jessie’s question throws Sara off. Of course she loves Jessie, she’s loves Jessie since the moment they met, but she couldn’t tell Jessie that. She couldn’t sit there and tell her that she’s always loved her, that she’d fantasized about her, that there were many times she’d pretended Andy didn’t exist so it could be just the two of them and no one else. So, Sara just avoids the question and changes the subject.

“Do you like eggs?” 

“What?” Jessie’s brow wrinkles.

“Do you like eggs because it’s the only breakfast food I have?” Sara explains, pretending to look for food in her mostly empty fridge, but she’s just trying to avoid Jessie’s gaze. 

“You don’t, do you?” Jessie whispers, her voice shaking and small. Sara looks up at her finally. Her eyes are watery and red, but she’s obviously trying to hold back the tears. “Why did you sleep with me if you don’t love me?”

“Jessa, I never said that I don’t love you.” 

“You never said you do, either.” Jessie shakes her head and backs away from Sara’s hands reaching out to her. Sara realizes she’s fucked up majorly. Even when Jessie was pissed at her before, she never once backed away from her. Jessie isn’t pissed though, she’s hurt and broken. Sara doesn’t pursue, doesn’t try to pull her in, instead she just stares at Jessie for what feels like an endless amount of time, as though Jessie would fall into the earth if she looked away. Sara knows that if she could just swallow her pride, everything would be fine, but Sara’s voice is caught in her throat as usual, even though Jessie’s eyes are begging for those three words. Three simple words that Sara never uses; the last time she said them to someone, he left. They were just words, but they haunted Sara everywhere she went. 

“Jessie, I…” Sara hesitates, and Jessie’s eyes light up with an ounce of hope only to have that light completely robbed from her seconds later. “I care about you, a lot.” 

“I have to go.” Jessie murmurs, and turns to leave the room, unable to get out fast enough. Sara can hear Jessie crying softly in her bedroom as she locates her still damp clothes on the floor. Sara isn’t mad at Jessie, she understands that she’s having a hard time right now, instead she’s mad at herself. Mad that she let herself take advantage of Jessie’s vulnerability, that she couldn’t tell Jessie she loves her, mad that she hurt Jessie. Sara considers bursting into her bedroom and telling Jessie all the things she couldn’t before, but if she did that now it would seem fake and forced. Jessie would never believe it now, or maybe ever. Sara’s chest feels tight and her eyes sting, but she fights the tears so hard; she promised herself a long time ago that she would never cry in front of someone she loved ever again. But it’s hard to keep that promise when it comes to Jessie, she always feels safe to let it out with her. 

The sting of the cold clothes against her skin makes Jessie hiss, it’s an uncomfortable distraction from the emotional sting inside her, but it’s a distraction nonetheless. Jessie made the mistake of looking at herself in the mirror before putting her clothes back on, seeing the bite marks all over her body, realizing how stupid she’d been to believe they’d meant something more than just marks. When Jessie was a freshman in high school, in the height of her boy craze, her mother always warned her about how boys would do anything to get a girl in bed. It was the the advice every mother gave her daughter, but it resonated with Jessie. It stuck with Jessie when the first boy she was ever with dumped her the next day senior year, when the second boy never showed his face again. When the third, who promised to grow old with her, got bored and left. Now she’s realizing that maybe women aren’t much different. Her whole life Jessie had toyed with the idea of being with women instead of men, but never really acted on it, always believing it was wrong because of the way she was raised. Jessie always prefered the company of a woman than any man, though. Shortly before she met Andy, she had been getting close to a girl in their acting company, and was certain she'd ask her out, but then Jessie was cast in A Christmas Carol and it was over. 

“Jessa, I made you eggs.” Sara says, quietly, from the other side of the door. Jessie sighs and opens the door slowly to find Sara on the other side with a plate of eggs, and the look of a hurt puppy lining her features. 

“Thank you, but I’m not hungry.” Jessie swallows, avoiding eye contact with Sara. Sara looks away too, looking down at the plate below her. They both just stand there for awhile, waiting for the other to say something that neither of them would. 

“Jessie…” Sara starts, but Jessie shakes her head. 

“Don’t. There’s nothing you can say that will fix this.” 

“But...I love you. I do” The confession isn’t as dramatic as Sara was expecting it to be, it wasn’t dramatic at all. No blustering winds, no passionate kiss, no one jumped into each other's arms. The words are nothing more than a tiny whisper, but backed by all the feelings inside Sara. Jessie doesn’t say anything else, she doesn’t reply, she doesn’t comment, she just walks past Sara and out the door. She doesn’t even glance back.

Jessie doesn’t hear from Sara for days, and she knows she won’t any time soon. Sara had no reason for contacting her, she’d really done nothing wrong. Jessie, being as vulnerable as she was in that moment, had completely overreacted. And she regretted it more than anything else. Abby comes by everyday now, to make sure Jessie actually eating and remembering to bathe. She also comes to comfort her sister, and remind her she isn’t completely alone in the world. When Jessie first tells Abby about what happened with Sara, she is kind of shocked. Only a little bit though.

“I’ve always known. We all have, even dad knows.” Abby shrugs and Jessie’s eyes widen. She never told anyone how she felt about women, not even her best friends throughout the years. She was always afraid of being rejected. “Don’t look so scared, Jess. It doesn’t change anything.” Jessie’s face is the color of a tomato and she doesn’t know what to say next, or if she should even say anything. So, they’re quiet for a long while, just sitting in each others company. Life had gotten so busy for both of them so suddenly that moments like these were rare, and occasional. Despite the circumstances, the sister were beyond pleased to be able to see each other everyday. Growing up, they’d always been close, inseparable even. Jill had always remarked that Jessie and Abby were closer than Abby was with her own twin, which always earned them praise. Jessie had never kept anything from Abby, except her sexuality. Jessie doesn’t understand how Abby doesn’t feel, at least she doesn’t seem to feel, betrayed. 

“I really messed up, Abs.” Jessie sighs. Abby leans over and wraps her arms around Jessie’s shoulders.

“Maybe, but you can still fix it. Nothing is really broken forever.” 

Later that night, Jessie sends Sara a text. 

_I need to talk to you, please._

Jessie never gets a response, but when the door clicks unlocked Jessie feels hope bubble up inside her. The bubbles pop all at once when instead of Sara walking through the door, Andy walks in with his suitcases. Jessie’s mouth falls open and all she can do is stare. Her mind races, but her throat is tight and words won’t come out, even though she has many choice words for him. Andy is the first to speak, his voice shaking.

“Jessie, I am so sorry. I thought that I could go without you. I wanted to see who I was without you by my side and...I’m nothing without you. I’m boring without you and your smile and your cheesy jokes and that voice that sounds sweeter than an angel’s voice.” By the time Andy finishes speaking he is standing right in front of her, his hands holding hers. Jessie swallows and considers his words very carefully. She knows he’s being sincere, she can see it in his eyes, but she also knows that if he left once he could leave again. If she’s learned any lesson through all of this, it’s that nothing is permanent. Jessie also figures she has nothing to lose and before she stops herself, her arms around Andy’s waist and her face buried in his neck.

“I missed you…” Jessie whispers. Andy’s arms come up to wrap around tightly, Jessie feels the relief flooding his body as he does so. Andy holds her for what seems like years, but Jessie doesn’t pull away because the comfort of having someone this close to her again is intoxicating. Jessie feels an ache tug at her heart, and she tries to ignore it, but the tears flood her eyes regardless of how hard she tried to keep it down. Andy feels the warm drops splatter on his skin and he pulls away to look into Jessie’s pouring eyes. He strokes her cheek and smiles, of course mistaking it for tears of happiness because in his mind nothing could make Jessie sad like that. Not even him. That or he is in denial that he is the cause for all of Jessie’s tears as of late. After all, if he had never walked out on her, Sara would’ve never come over and saw her cry, and if Sara had never come over they never would’ve slept together. If they’d never have slept together, Jessie would’ve never been hurt so much. 

Jessie is caught off guard when Andy kisses her, she isn’t expecting it for some reason she can’t find. Nonetheless, she kisses him back and it doesn’t feel as horrible as she thought it would. But it’s defintely nothing like kissing Sara. Jessie involuntarily gasps and jerks herself away from Andy’s embrace. She know that trouble she’s in with Sara, and, despite Abby’s words of wisdom, she can’t undo the things she said. As if by some sick god is looking down on her, and determined to make everything that much harder, her phone lights up with Sara’s name.

_Can’t talk, I’m in LA. I’ll be gone awhile. I need to focus on my music and myself. Xo_

Jessie must be crying harder now as she looks at her phone, because she feels his arms wrap around her and she sees him talking but she can barely hear him. All of a sudden the edges of her vision fade to black and she feels weak, Andy gets farther and farther away until she can’t see anything but black. Then everything is silent and still. 

When she finally comes to, she’s lying in bed with Abby napping peacefully on top of the covers next to her. Never being one to pass up cuddling with her sister, Jessie scoots closer and curls up in front of Abby, breathing in the familiar scent of the perfume Abby’s been using since middle school. Many nights were spent lying in Abby’s bed, holding on tight, after a breakup or a nightmare, or she missed Abby while she was at college, or just because. For as long as Jessie can remember, Abby has been the only constant person in her life. Obviously her other family members were there for her, but Abby was and is always the person Jessie turned to. Abby stirs when she feels Jessie press herself against her, waking her up slowly. 

“Hey, you woke up.” Abby yawns. Jessie smiles and snuggles closer.

“I didn’t know I went to sleep.” Jessie tries to make a joke of the situation, but as the severity of her situation settles in the harder it is to do. Andy is back after how badly he hurt Jessie, Sara is gone after how badly Jessie hurt her, and Jessie has taken to passing out in high stress scenarios. Her life is messier than it has been in awhile, making Sara’s beloved lyrics ring even more true to her than before.

“Jess, I think you should come stay with me for awhile. I know Andy is back but-” Abby is cut off mid sentence by Jessie. 

“She’s gone, Abby. I really fucked up and I can’t fix it now. Running away from Andy, the man who came back and who wants to work things out, isn’t going to solve anything.” Jessie doesn’t believe a word that comes out of her mouth about Andy, and neither does Abby, but they let it go.

“Well, I’m still going to stop in every single day to check on you, both of you.” Abby vows and snuggles up to Jessie, holding on a little tighter than necessary, another thing that they both acknowledge but don’t say anything about. If all else fails, Jessie will always have Abby to keep her safe and taken care of.


	4. Chapter 4

The days drag on for both women until six months have passed and they eventually settle into an uncomfortable routine of doing whatever they can to get through. Jessie wakes up, goes to work, and comes home. She throws herself into her work, rehearsing so much she exhausts her voice and her feet ache until she can barely walk. Sara writes constantly, she swears she’s written a hundred songs, but only a few of them work for her album. The other ones are all about Jessie. Only a few of the songs Sara submits for the final album are about Jessie, the others are songs she’d written long before anything had happened between her and Jessie. Sara plans to lay low in LA while she waits, but she gets a call from New York and she’s called back to her second home. And back to Jessie. Sara almost refuses to come back, she almost abandons her responsibility to Waitress to hide away from facing her fears.

No one tells Jessie Sara will be there when she enters the theater, and she’s mad at first that she had no warning. But then she realizes, they wouldn’t know to warn her. No one knows about the whole situation with Sara, Jessie never even told them about what happened with Andy. So when Sara and Jessie make eye contact from across the stage, no one understands the tension that floods the air around them. It takes everything in Jessie to ignore the urge to run into Sara’s arms and kiss her until she can feel the guilt that’s been boiling inside Jessie. Jessie successfully fights the urge throughout the entire rehearsal and the first show, but when it’s just the two of them left in the theater between shows Jessie has a harder time fighting it. Jessie is sitting on the examination table, waiting for Andy to bring her food from Chopped, when Sara walks up and sits next to her. 

“So, I heard you’re writing again.” Jessie swallows, looking down at her feet as they swing back and forth, obviously nervous about being to close to Sara again. Sara nods and glances at Jessie out the corner of her eye, still amazed at how beautiful she is despite everything that happened between them.

“Yeah, I was about to start recording before Diane called me to come back to see the new directions.” Sara hums. The encounter isn’t as awkward as they both were expecting, but it isn’t easy.

“How are you holdin-” Sara gets cut off by Andy’s voice from the back of the room.

“Hey, babe! How was the first show?” Andy grins as he hops up on the stage, holding the bag of food up for Jessie. Sara furrows her brow and stares at Jessie incredulously, her cheeks flushing red from the anger rising inside her. She isn’t mad Jessie isn’t with her, she’s mad because Jessie is back with Andy after what he put her through. Andy pecks Jessie’s lips, not even giving her a chance to respond to his question, and Sara nearly punches his jaw, thankfully she is able to hold back for Jessie’s sake. Jessie puts on her best smile for Andy, trying her best to ignore Sara’s glare and bunched up fists but she can’t help glancing over and letting the smile fade slightly. Jessie listens to Andy go on and on about some game she missed the night before because she fell asleep on the couch halfway through, endeavoring to seem interesting as he recounts the plays and the goals. Sara only grows more angry with each word that spills out of his mouth. 

“Andy, hey, um we as much as I’d love to hear you drone on about sports, Jess needs to eat so we can get back to work.” Sara says, sarcastically, not even trying to feign politeness. Andy looks like a kicked puppy and nods, stopping his story short.

“Yeah, yeah. I totally understand.” Andy swallows and kisses Jessie’s cheek. “I’ll see you tonight, hon.” Jessie smiles until Andy is out the door and out of sight. Then she snaps.

“What the hell was that?” Jessie all but growls, jumping off the table to face Sara with crossed arms. Now it’s Jessie’s face that is burning red. Sara can’t help the laugh that escapes her throat.

“You’re kidding me, right? You can’t ask me what the hell that was all about when you’re the one who’s back with that...with that...douche bag! Look what he did to you, Jess! He abandoned you, he made you feel worthless, he made you feel like the dirt under his shoes. And you want to go back to him? How can you blame me for being upset about the treatment of the woman I love?” 

“Oh, you love me, huh? Is that why you took off all the way across the country and didn’t even so much as acknowledge my existence for six fucking months?” Jessie can’t remember the last time she’s raised her voice to someone out of character, but it feels so good to finally let go of all the things she’s been holding inside.

“That’s rich, Jess. You stand there and act like I’m the one who broke your heart, when it was the other way around and you know it.” Sara finally jumps off the table so her and Jessie are face to face. Jessie’s jaw is tight and her muscles are tense, while Sara’s body seems to be completely lax, which infuriates Jessie even more. 

“All you had to do was tell me you loved me! If you really meant it I wouldn’t have ever doubted you!” Jessie is almost yelling at this point, but she either doesn’t care or doesn’t realize because she doesn’t stop. “I love you, Sara! God, why is it so easy for me to say it to you? I can’t even say it to my own boyfriend, but I can say it to you like I have been my whole life!”

“I love you, Jessica! I fucking love you, Jesus Christ! I love you more than I have ever love any other man in my life, more than anyone I have ever loved. I have loved you from the day I met you, from the moment I heard you sing those classic Carole King songs. I’ve loved you from the moment you showed up at Waitress rehearsals with the biggest smile and those adorably cheesy gifts and when you wrapped your arms around me at the end of the day, I knew. I knew that you would be the one to change my life. I knew that there would never be another person to ever come into my life like you.”

“T-then why didn’t you tell me?” Jessie whispers, feeling like she’s three feet tall and incredibly stupid for never seeing the sincerity in her eyes before. If Jessie had looked hard enough she would’ve seen all the things Sara is confessing to her now. The way Sara has always looked at her, with so much love and hope, it has always been there and Jessie knows it. But she ignored it, she always ignored it, out of fear that it was too good to be true and the minute she gave into it she would lose it forever. No one has ever looked at her the way Sara looks at her.

“Because you have always had Andy, I couldn’t intrude on that. You loved him so much, I never stood a chance. And when he left, some sick part of me felt so good, because I finally had the chance to be yours, to be completely yours. And I thought I was. Seeing him here today... I honestly feel broken, and like I’m still not enough for you. I think I’m ready to live with that, though, I’d do anything to make sure you’re happy.” Sara closes her eyes and begins to turn away from Jessie, but she’s stopped by Jessie’s fingers wrapping around her wrist.

“Please, don’t go again.” Jessie doesn’t know who kisses who, but when she feels Sara’s hands in her hair and the familiar softness of Sara’s lips on her own, all other thoughts disappear. Sara’s heart is fuller than it has been in years and the tears spring to her eyes before she even realizes how happy she is to have Jessie so close to her with no stipulation, with a promise of tomorrow. Jessie digs her nails into Sara’s hips, afraid to let go again. She feels the tears drip onto her own skin and pulls away to look into Sara’s red eyes.

“Why are you crying? Did I do something wrong?” Jessie whispers, absentmindedly pulling Sara closer by her hips in an attempt to try to comfort her. Sara shakes her head, her thumb coming down to stroke along Jessie’s cheekbone. Jessie closes her eyes and leans into the touch, for the first time able to actually feel the warmth of Sara’s affections without Andy abandoning her clouding her senses.

“You’re doing everything right, every single thing. I’m...so happy.” Sara smiles, a genuine smile. “I haven’t been happy in such a long time.”

“Can I...come home with you? After the show tonight. Maybe we could try again?” Jessie offers, looking down at her hands on Sara’s hips. Sara gently tilts Jessie’s chin upwards so she can look into her eyes. 

“There’s nothing in the world I’d want more than that.” Sara whispers, giving Jessie a small lingering kiss that is quickly interrupted by the sound of everyone starting to come back with their food. It had become a habit on two show days for everyone to bring their food back to the theater and eat in a circle on the stage, like a family. Sara and Jessie sit across from each other, unable to keep their eyes off of each other the entire time, with the promise of what is to come not only tonight but for a long time to come. Luckily for them, everyone is too caught up in their food and their stories to notice the amount of attention they’re paying to each other. Jessie wants nothing more than to make everyone else disappear and just hold Sara for days. The day could not go by any slower after that, the time drags on until the next show. At one point, Jessie is tempted to pull Sara into her dressing room just to kiss her, to have some sort of contact with her, but she doesn’t.

After the show, Jessie is in her dressing room, making up an excuse for why she won’t be coming home to Andy. A part of Jessie is screaming at her, telling her everything she’s doing is wrong and she should end it before it starts, but when she feels Sara’s arms snake around her waist from behind, all doubts are gone. The only thing that matters is Sara’s hands pushing her hair to the side, her lips on the back of her neck, her hips pressed against her back. Jessie melts against Sara, and Sara gladly holds her up as she leads her out of the dressing room to their waiting taxi outside. Sara can’t keep her hands to herself in the backseat of the car; small touches to Jessie’s knee that lead to desperately grasping her hip as she desperately kisses Jessie. Sara kisses Jessie as though she’ll never see her again, as though she’ll disappear if she doesn’t put her all into the kiss. Jessie knows it’s her fault that Sara is so scared of losing her now, and the guilt is poured into Sara through her lips. Sara reluctantly pulls away as the taxi stops in front of her apartment.

It’s different this time when Sara lays Jessie down on her bed; there are no tears, no anger from the night before, no fear of being alone. They are there because they chose to be, not because their clouded emotions got the best of them. With clear minds, they’ll hold each other through the night and not let go in the morning. Sara takes her time undressing Jessie, not just with her hands, but with her mind, so she can see everything Jessie feels. She wants to be able to see Jessie, truly see Jessie, this time. Jessie looks into Sara’s eyes, tenderly holding her gaze for what seems like an eternity before either of them do anything else. Jessie is the first to move, not breaking the eye contact, pulling Sara closer to kiss her. With trembling hands, Jessie pulls at Sara’s t-shirt until she can see the smooth skin hidden underneath the now discarded material. Jessie tentatively kisses Sara’s neck, the nerves really showing through in the way she hesitantly trails down to Sara’s collar bone. Before, she hadn’t thought about what she was doing. It was so in the moment neither of them had thought about it.

Jessie is the first one completely naked, beneath Sara, but Sara isn’t far behind her. For a long time, all the do is gently caress each other’s skin and rock their hips against one another, just working each other up and enjoying being together. They both gasp when Jessie’s hand finds it’s way between Sara’s legs, slowly teasing. Sara closes her eyes and lays against Jessie’s chest while Jessie slowly pulls her to the edge. Jessie just teases gently for awhile, with the intention of making Sara feel good for as long as possible, but Sara starts getting impatient and grinding her hips down onto Jessie's fingers, silently begging for more. She looks up at Jessie with pleading eyes, and Jessie knows exactly what she wants. Without skipping a beat, Jessie slides two fingers into Sara, which elicits a loud moan from Sara. She's already close and knows she won't be able to hold out much longer as Jessie starts a slow rhythm deep inside her. Sara digs her nails into Jessie's upper arms until she's sure there will be bruises left in her skin, Jessie doesn’t mind. Jessie kisses Sara when she knows she’s about to come, so she can feel the surge of pleasure shoot through her entire body. Sara cries out into Jessie’s mouth as her muscles tense and her back arches hard; she sees stars and she feels enveloped in Jessie’s presence, like this moment is the only moment that she will ever feel and will ever matter. 

When Sara comes down, panting and sticky with sweat, she softly kisses Jessie, as though she’ll break if she isn’t careful. Jessie looks up into Sara’s eyes once again, seeing everything she needs to about how good she feels. The love she sees in those russet eyes is reflected in her own, and the happiness is practically bursting from their eyes. Sara holds Jessie tight as she slides a single finger inside her, just to tease and explore, and watches Jessie’s features settle into a relaxed pleasure. Her lids are heavy, but not closed so she can watch Sara, her mouth is just barely agape, and her hands are gently stroking Sara’s back. Sara plays with her for a while, alternating between inside her and toying with her clit, learning everything that makes Jessie tick. She doesn’t do anything more until she’s sure she knows how to elicit as much pleasure as possible from Jessie. When she inserts a second finger, Jessie nearly arches off the bed, already very close to falling over the edge. She writhes beneath Sara, every touch and every move causing shockwaves of pleasure to shoot through her body, making her weak and heavy. She loves it. The last time she came was when she was with Sara the first time, but it was rushed and over too fast. This one is slow and perfect. With one last thrust, Jessie is nearly screaming and beside herself. Her body trembles and her eyes screw shut so tight her nose crinkles. Sara stares at her face, memorizing what she looks like when she truly comes so she can strive to always make that face take over Jessie’s features. 

She’s stunning, truly stunning, in the afterglow. Sara strokes the damp hair out of Jessie’s face, and continues staring at Jessie’s now relaxing features. She really does seem to glow, Sara notes as Jessie’s eyes open once again, pupils still dark with arousal and love. They seem to radiate a light that is incomparable to any sunset or sunrise, a light Sara wants to bask in until time itself runs out. Jessie reaches out a trembling hand to touch Sara’s face, her fingers stroke Sara’s cheeks down to her swollen lips. No one’s lips could taste any sweeter, feel any silkier, than Sara’s. Sara, in her entirety, is Jessie’s sweet forbidden fruit, and now that Jessie has had a taste of the sweetest fruit she will never again crave for another fruit. The way Jessie looks at her, with such trust and so much love, brings tears to Sara’s eyes. No one had ever looked at her like that before and she wonders if she even deserves it from anyone, let alone Jessie. Jessie deserves the entire world handed to her on a plate, not Sara and all of her broken pieces. 

“Why are you crying?” Jessie whispers, her voice slightly hoarse, as she wipes away a tear that escapes from her eyes flees to her cheekbone. Sara takes a deep breath to steady her voice as she speaks.

“I don’t deserve you. And god, you deserve better than...this.” Sara sighs, her voice still trembling despite all her efforts to stop it. Jessie leans up to press a gentle and lingering kiss to Sara’s lips, as reassurance before she speaks again.

“You deserve happiness, and love, and patience. Everything I plan on doing my best to give you. I know you’ve been hurt, and people have made you feel unworthy of that. But you are worthy. You are worthy of all the good things in life.” Jessie whispers, holding Sara’s face gently in her palm to ensure Sara looks into her eyes to see the sincerity. Sara is overwhelmed with so much emotion that she wraps her arms around Jessie and kisses her passionately without a second thought. Sara settles down lying next to Jessie, without breaking the kiss, and pulls Jessie closer. She intertwines her legs with Jessie’s and presses herself against her so she can be as close to Jessie as possible. Sara breaks the kiss and presses her forehead against Jessie’s, just looking into her eyes.

“Jessica Ruth Mueller, I love you. I love you so much.” Sara whispers. The declaration makes Jessie smile a tearful grin.

“Sara Beth Bareilles, I love you too. I have loved you since the day I met you.” Jessie whispers a soft reply, her eyes fluttering and struggling to stay open. Sara presses a soft kiss to Jessie’s forehead and urges her to go to sleep, and they could talk more in the morning. Within seconds, Jessie is sleeping soundly, holding Sara’s hand against her chest.


	5. Chapter 5

The water pours down Jessie’s back, relaxing her muscles, tense from the night before. As the warm water cascades down her back in warm beads, Jessie reflects on the choices she’s made in the past 24 hours. From something as simple as deciding what cereal she wanted for breakfast, to agreeing to get married. Jessie’s blood runs cold at the realization she’d forgotten about Andy’s proposal. It’d had been so quick and so casual, maybe even drunk, that Jessie wasn’t even aware at first that he was serious. The ring was the only thing that had convinced her that he was sincere. Jessie doesn’t even know how she forgot. Maybe because she didn’t want to believe that it was really happening, that she was going to be Mrs. Truschinski in less than a year. Jessie’s knees nearly give out beneath the weight of not just the proposal and everything that comes with it, but under the weight of what she’d done with Sara. It isn’t because she regrets being with Sara, she doesn’t this time, this time she wants to go back to Sara’s bed and never leave, but she knows that Sara will be heartbroken if she tells her about Andy. The way she reacted yesterday when she found out they were back together still brings tears to her eyes. Jessie wants Sara more than she’s ever wanted Andy, and she won’t be the cause of her heartbreak a second time.

All thoughts vanish as the shower door opens and Sara’s skin, cold from the morning air, caresses her own in a gentle embrace. The water rushes over the both of them to wash away the sweat from the night before, but never the memories they made. Sara tries her best to keep her hands to herself, but soon her fingers are wrapped around Jessie’s hips and her lips are twined with Jessie’s. Neither of them complain. No matter how close they are, it isn’t enough. It’ll never be enough to just touch each other. They want to be connected in every way imaginable, but as hard as they try they’ll never have that bond. Though, they get close to it every time their bodies moves together and they bring each other the most exquisite pleasure. It’s something they do many times while they’re standing under the steady stream of warm water. Hours later, with pruned fingertips and damp hair, Sara holds Jessie on her lap, just staring at her face. She’s memorizing her features, every freckle, every line, every little detail of Jessie. Until she can close her eyes and still see Jessie’s face, she isn’t satisfied. 

Jessie blushes, quietly looking down, while Sara holds her. Jessie suddenly feels shy about Sara’s gaze on her body, despite the intimate moments they’ve shared. Something about the way Sara looks at her this time makes her feel different, like the walls she’s spent years building around her heart are slowly being torn down the longer Sara looks at her. Sara gently pulls Jessie’s face up by her chin so they’re eyes can meet, but Jessie avoids Sara’s gaze. She can’t let herself look into Sara’s eyes, so full of love and admiration. She can’t let herself believe that Sara is looking at her like that because she means it. 

“Jessa, please look at me.” Sara whispers, her palm holding Jessie’s cheek with the gentlest touch. Jessie shakes her head, her eyes squeezed shut, and tears pool at the base of her lashes. 

“Jessie, why are you crying?” Sara’s voices is suddenly laced with fear and something akin to desperation. Jessie is quiet for a long time, and Sara is patient as she allows Jessie to think and cry to herself.

“I-it’s been a long time since anyone has looked at me like that…” Jessie finally whispers with a trembling voice. “And it scares me.”

“Oh, my Jess. You don’t have to be afraid, I’ll never let you go.” Sara promises, still holding Jessie’s cheek as she looks at Sara for the first time with watery eyes. Sara looks past the tears and sees her own expression reflected in Jessie’s, the same exact emotion projected back towards Sara. She takes a chance and leans in, ghosting her lips over Jessie for a moment to give her the chance to back out if she wanted to. But she doesn’t back out. Jessie presses her lips fully against Sara’s, her hands finding their way into Sara’s hair, her curves molding against Sara’s. Jessie’s tears glide down her cheeks and onto Sara’s collarbone, the warmth of the raw emotion in each drop burns her soul. They’re a mix of love, fear, and exhilaration. Sara doesn’t fully understand what Jessie is feeling, but she wonders what it must feel like for Jessie to feel genuine love again after being deprived for so long. The thought makes Sara kiss Jessie harder, pull her closer, love her more. Sara doesn’t know if her heart can swell too much from love until it explodes, but if it can she thinks it’ll be the most exquisite way to go. 

Jessie reluctantly pulls away from the kiss, her face contorted with obvious distress. Sara furrows her brow and runs a hand through Jessie’s still damp hair.

“What is it?” Sara hums, still pressing her forehead to Jessie’s. Jessie whimpers as though she’s in pain and holds onto her tighter. “Jessie, what’s wrong? Are you hurt?” 

“I have to tell you something.” Jessie shakes her head, her voice strained. Sara nods, her heart pounding in her chest, almost beating out of her ribcage.  
“You can tell me anything.”

“He proposed, the ring is in my purse.” Silence follows Jessie’s confession as neither of them know what to say. Sara doesn’t need to ask to know that Jessie said yes to him, she knows Jessie will do anything to please Andy. She knows Jessie will do anything to maintain the “normalcy” she’s presented to the public for the past seven years, even if that means marrying a man who doesn’t really love her like she deserves to be loved. What surprises Sara is that she isn’t mad, she just feels broken. Jessie can see the hurt in Sara’s eyes, and she knows that Sara knows she said yes. Jessie can’t say anything to excuse her behavior, she knows that, but she thinks there might be a way to smooth things over. “He proposed because… I’m pregnant.” Jessie whispers, so quietly she is surprised that Sara even heard her. Jessie watches Sara’s broken expression shift in the blink of an eye into one of love, like before but stronger. The way Sara looks at Jessie this time is love but also a promise; the promise of safety and security. Her hands splay out across Jessie’s stomach, holding what feels like another life in her hands. Jessie’s smile is still water, but it’s happy now.

“It’s probably more likely right here…” Jessie murmurs, pushing one of Sara’s hands down lower. “You won’t be able to feel anything, though. I’m only about twelve weeks along. It’s just a tiny little thing.” Jessie sniffles, holding her hand over Sara’s.

“Why didn’t you tell me before?” Sara asks softly, unable to keep herself from grinning. Even if it is Andy’s baby, Sara doesn’t care because it’s Jessie’s baby too. A little version of Jessie. Sara laughs aloud at the thought, which causes Jessie to give her a puzzled look. 

“I was scared. I was afraid of hurting you again, but it was killing me not to tell you. I’d rather tell you myself, rather than have you find out on your own from someone else.”

“Jess, I… I don’t know what to say. I am just… I can’t believe that you’re going to have a baby. A real baby.” Sara excitedly kisses Jessie, Jessie laughs against Sara’s lips and wraps her free arm around her shoulders. “Jessie, can I please be apart of her life?”

“Her?” Jessie questions, an eyebrow raised. 

“I have a feeling in my gut.” Sara hums, nodding firmly.

“It would make me the happiest woman in the world if you were apart of this baby’s life.” Sara kisses Jessie again, this time softer and sweeter than a few moments ago, but pulls away abruptly. 

 

“God...a baby. I just can’t believe it.” Sara laughs, but her smile soon falters. “You know you don’t have to marry him just because you’re pregnant.”

“I knew you’d say that. Sara, you don’t understand. My family...they wouldn’t be happy about it. They already don’t like that we live together, could you imagine if I came home with a child out of wedlock? I couldn’t disappoint them like that.” Jessie sighs, looking down at her belly with it’s barely noticeable roundness and fear rises in her. It rises just as it had when she’d seen those two lines in the little bathroom in her dressing room, but she hadn’t been able to allow herself to be afraid for long since she had a show. But now she had the opportunity the let it in. Jessie curses under her breath as the tears start falling again for the third time that morning, if she wanted to she could blame it on the baby, but Sara would know better. Sara wraps her arms around Jessie and hold her close to her chest.

“Your family, your parents, they love you so much, Jessa. I’ve met them twice and all they did was gush over how proud of you they are. This baby won’t change that, even if it’s out of ‘wedlock’. Who even says that anymore? Hark, Jessica is bearing a child out of wedlock! Aye, tis true she is with child.” Sara teases gently, speaking with terrible old english accent, trying to get a smile on Jessie’s face, and she’s partially successful. Jessie sniffles, but there is a tiny half smirk on her face. Sara sighs and is serious once again. “I think your mother would just be happy to finally have a grandkid.” That does get a laugh out of Jessie.

“That is true. She brings it up almost every day when she calls.” Jessie wipes at her eyes and looks up at Sara with a small smile. “Everyday it’s like ‘I’m convinced you and Matty are the only straight ones, well at least mostly straight, and yet I still don’t have a single grandkid.’”

“Hah! Poor Jill, all of her kids are queer as hell.” Sara laughs, really laughs, at the thought of this Lutheran woman wondering where she went wrong. Obviously she knows Jill loves her kids, but the fact that they were raised in such a God loving household and still turned out gay is wickedly amusing to Sara. “Goes to show ya, you really can’t pray the gay away.”

“Stop it!” Jessie laughs and crawls off of Sara’s lap to pretend to pout next to her. Sara bites her lip and apologizes, but Jessie doesn’t budge. Her bottom lip remains perfectly pouty. Sara pokes Jessie’s side a few times, and Jessie’s muscles tighten against a smile. Sara pokes Jessie again, breaking through the pout slowly, making Jessie wiggle a little bit. Sara sighs, pretending to be defeated so that Jessie will glance at her and maybe give up, but when she doesn’t Sara resorts to plan B. Jessie’s eyes widen when Sara’s hand caresses her side gently, and her lips graze the side of her neck, Jessie takes deep breaths through her nose, still being as stubborn as ever, but when Sara starts tickling her Jessie can’t keep it up. Jessie squeals, finally breaking, and grabs at Sara’s arm while laughing hard.

“Sara! Sara! Please!” Jessie laughs, almost snorting. Sara smirks and tickles her harder.

“What’s that? Please, more?” Sara teases and Jessie squeals again writhing beneath Sara’s fingers once again, but for a much less pleasant reason now. But the look of satisfaction in Sara’s eyes makes it worth it. 

“Sara, I will pee on you!” Jessie screams and finally manages to wiggle out from underneath Sara. She stands beside the bed with her hands out in front of her defensively, her breathing heavy and her mouth open in a wide smile. Sara chuckles and moves to sit on the edge of the bed, reaching out to grab Jessie’s hands. Sara pulls Jessie close so she’s standing between her legs, and she’s eye level with Jessie’s belly. Jessie knows what Sara is going to do before Sara even does it, but it still catches her off guard when Sara leans in. Jessie runs a hand through Sara’s hair as she presses her ear against Jessie’s skin.

“Sara you’re not going to be able to feel or hear anything yet…” Jessie whispers.

“I know, but I just… I want to.” Sara hums, surprising herself with how sentimental she feels. She closes her eyes and wraps her arms around Jessie’s waist, holding her close, just relishing in the feeling of the warmth radiating from Jessie. Jessie leans down over Sara and presses her lips to the top of Sara’s head, and stays there. Sara tries to pretend that things are different, that this is their baby, that Andy never was, that they’re going to be a happy family, and while it’s just them in Sara’s little apartment that’s exactly how things are. They’re in their own little reality while they’re tucked away from the world outside. 

“It’s why I’m leaving the show.” Jessie admits. “It wouldn’t make much sense for Jenna to take a pregnancy test when she’s already pregnant.” Jessie laughs a little. Sara smiles and presses a light kiss to Jessie’s belly before pulling away to smile up at her. 

“Do you know who you’d like to see take over? I don’t think anyone will be as good as you.” Sara asks, still holding Jessie’s waist wrapped in her arms. Jessie scrunches her nose and looks up at the ceiling, trying to think but shrugs a moment later.

“I don’t know. I don’t think it’ll be hard to find someone to replace me, I’m sure anyone could do better than I can.” Jessie shrugs. She tries to pull away from Sara, but her arms only tighten around her hips. 

 

“Jessica, look at me… No one is better than you. You were made for Jenna. The person who replaces you will be amazing, but she won’t be you.” Sara shakes her head, truly appalled that Jessie doesn’t see how amazing she is. Sara wishes she could let Jessie see herself the way she sees her, and she knows if she tries enough Jessie will. But before it’ll work Sara has to get Andy out of her head. Anger rises in Sara once again thinking about the day before when Andy hadn’t even cared to ask how she was feeling. It really doesn’t surprise Sara that Jessie feels the way she does about herself. Sara reluctantly lets Jessie go, knowing they both have to get ready. Jessie can see that something is bothering Sara and feels like she did something wrong, so she quietly retreats to get her clothes from the floor. She wonders as she puts them on if anyone will notice they’re the same as yesterday, and then that she spent the night at Sara’s. She wonders if anyone would see the wrinkles in her clothes from laying in the floor all night, and the marks on her neck that the low cut t-shirt won’t hide, and that they both arrived together. Jessie almost considers calling out for the day, but she knows that she needs to only call out on ‘doctor days’. 

They walk down the street together, their pinkies linked as they stroll towards 47th street since flat out holding hands would be too risky, just in case the paparazzi were lurking about Sara’s apartment. Sara wishes for a moment that she were just a normal girl living in the city with Jessie, that they had a cute little studio apartment where Jessie could paint and Sara could write books all day. They could do the things they both loved but never had the time or privacy for, like painting and writing, holding hands in public, raising their own family together. Sara catches a glimpse of that alternate future as they near the theater; Jessie is asleep in bed next to her with the sun coming in through the door, there’s still paint on her forehead from the night before but Sara can’t bring herself to wipe it away. The purple streak above her eyebrow is the reminder of how she’d wiped the determined sweat off the night before as Sara sat from the kitchen table, watching from over the lid of her laptop. The sun gets caught in Jessie’s hair, lighting up the whole room with warm honey, and everything is peaceful. For the moment. 

Suddenly, the soft chirping of birds outside the window is interrupted by the pitter patter of four small small feet beating a fast arrhythmic pattern towards their bed, and Sara pretends to be asleep again as the sound gets closer. There’s a hesitation in the footsteps as the bed comes into view, but it quickly picks back up again faster and harder than ever. Just as Sara sits up to surprise the children they jump up on the bed into their mother’s arm, well the little one jumps as best as her little legs allow her. Sar has to help her make it the rest of the way, but she won’t tell anyone. They wrestle Sara until she’s laughing and lying back on the bed, but they’re confused to see that Jessie is still asleep with her back to them. The oldest, just shy of six, crawls off of Sara to tentatively poke Jessie’s side and is pleasantly surprised when Jessie pops up to grab her and tickle her.

 

“Mama! Stop it! Stop it!” The little girl, Bonnie, squeals with laughter and tries to fight her mother’s hands off ninja style. Jessie eventually lets up the tickling and instead settles for a kiss attack, which the little one appreciates much more than the tickles. 

“Mama! It my turn!” Jillian, three years old and proud, whimpers from behind a pacifier as she sits on Sara’s lap.

“Well, come on then. Mama has plenty kisses for the both of you.” And the little girl scrambles over to crawl onto - 

“Sara….Sara, are you okay?” Jessie asks, suddenly standing in front of her outside the Brooks stage door, no longer in the studio apartment. Sara blinks a few time and nods.

“Um, yeah...I was just, uh, thinking about something. It’s nothing. Let’s go get started.” Sara swallows and rushes inside the theatre to avoid any more questions. Sara runs straight to Jessie’s dressing room, which is where she gets the idea. It’s an idea she’s toyed with ever since Laura Heywood had suggested it, but she waits until after rehearsal to approach Jessie about it. Jessie returns to her dressing room with Sara and plops down on the couch, placing her head in Sara’s lap. 

“I don’t know if I’m going to make it to March 26th.” Jessie groans as she clutches her belly tight, squeezing her eyes shut and grinding her teeth. Sara massages Jessie’s scalp and sings quietly to her trying to soothe her, even though it’s inevitable that Jessie will get sick within the next few minutes. She sighs when it doesn’t pass after a few minutes and helps Jessie up.

“C’mon, let’s go. I’ll hold your hair back.” Jessie groans in protest but follows Sara into the bathroom regardless. When they return to the couch, Jessie is shaking and clinging to Sara. If there was one thing Jessie hated more than anything, it was vomitting. The mere thought of morning sickness was the first thing that scared Jessie about being pregnant. Honestly, it was the only thing that really scared her about being pregnant. Well other than who the father is, but Jessie is just thrilled to finally be having a baby. Jessie tucks herself, already wrapped in a tight ball, under Sara’s arm as she tries to calm herself down. “Hey, honey, I have some news that might make you feel better. I’ve been thinking about it or a really long time, but when we did that AOL interview, I seriously started considering it.” 

“Sara, are you going to say what I think you’re going to say?” Jessie perks up to look at Sara with a wide smile. 

“I am. I am officially asking you, Jessica Ruth Mueller, can I take over for you as Jenna Hunterson in Waitress: A New Musical Baked from the Heart?” 

“Yes! Yes, you can! It is your musical, your baby, I would be so thrilled to pass Jenna on to you.” Jessie is now on her knees next to Sara, bouncing on the cushions excitedly. Sara can’t help but be entranced by the energy radiating from Jessie. “I can teach you everything you need to know about everything! Oh, Saz, I’m so excited!” Jessie jumps into Sara’s arms, hugging her as tight as possible.

“Jessa, I’m gonna die. I can’t breathe.” Sara laughs, pretending to choke. Jessie lets up and when she lets go, Sara makes a big deal of pretending to die, tongue sticking out and everything. Jessie pouts and swings her leg over Sara’s legs, so she’s sitting on her lap, and Sara can see her pouting. Sara peaks out from underneath her eyelid, barely cracking it, and she fights a laugh at the sight of Jessie’s bottom lip stuck out. 

“Only one thing can revive me.” Sara whispers, before pretending to be dead again. Jessie rolls her eyes and leans forward to press a kiss to Sara’s cheek, then to her mouth when the cheek doesn’t work. Sara pops right back up, smiling and “revived” by Jessie’s kiss. “True love’s kiss is the most powerful thing in the world.”

“God, you’re such a dork.” Jessie sighs, but she loves it, the way Sara looks up at her like she’s a lovestruck sixth grader. 

A week later sees them in rehearsal after hours, still going over the trickier parts of the show, particularly the Bad Ideas. Sara is starting to get frustrated with the pineapple upside down part, the pineapple part isn’t what’s hard, it’s the upside down part that’s hard to nail. Sara can’t count how many times she’s over shot laying back on the table and ended up in the floor, groaning and clutching her shoulder. Jessie sits in the first row and tries to fight a laugh each time she falls, but she always ends up snickering from behind her hand. She feels bad for Sara, but the way she falls with her long skinny limbs is entertaining.

“You know, if you’re so perfect, little miss, why don’t you get up here and do it.” Sara growls, still laying on the floor from her last fall in front of Jessie and refusing to get up. Jessie hops up and attempts to climb on the stage, but Sara stops her, the only thing that gets her to move. 

“Saz, I’m pregnant not porcelain.” Jessie sighs, rolling her eyes, but she does realize it isn’t as easy as it was before. Nothing about this show is easy anymore; her throat is always sore, her voice is always tired, she can barely move on good days, her emotions are flying off the handle in the worst way. All of those things make Jenna’s character more believable, but at the cost of her own personal health. From the day she started acting, Jessie decided that her health would always come first. She hasn’t always followed her own rule, but now she had someone else’s health to think about too. Someone who is far more important than her. Jessie tries not to make a big deal about being out of breath as she goes to her place for pineapple upside down, but Sara notices. Jessie does the scene, just as she does every night, and Sara stands by glaring at her. Jessie shrugs and sticks her tongue out. 

“Watch it, I’ll bite your tongue.” Sara warns, winking at Jessie. Jessie walks over to Sara with her tongue stuck out as far as possible.

“Do it.” Jessie challenges, and Sara shrugs as she leans forward to sink her teeth into Jessie’s tongue. Jessie squeals and pulls away, looking at Sara with her mouth wide open, laughing. “I can’t believe you did that!”

“I told you I would, and I never back out of a promise.” Sara shrugs and she wraps her arms around Jessie’s waist, feeling very affectionate suddenly as she rubs her nose against Jessie’s. 

“Listen, I have an idea, it might help. Let me go and close your eyes.” Jessie has a mischievous grin on her lips when Sara closes her eyes. She tiptoes over to the coat hanger by the fake door and grabs the lab coat for Pomatter, putting it on before standing proudly in front of Sara. “Open your eyes.” 

Sara nearly snorts when she sees Jessie in the over sized coat, looking like a kitten wear a lion’s mane and proud of it. It takes everything in her not to scoop Jessie up, coat an all, and just carry her around.

“Okay, what’s your idea?”

“We’ll rehearse it together, Bad Idea and Bad Idea Reprise. I’ll be Pomatter.” Jessie shrugs like it’s the most casual thing she’s ever done. Jessie plays the song from her phone, not really concerned about working on the vocals, but more on the choreography. Sara has way more fun rehearsing with Jessie than she did on her own. She’d jump at any chance to get Jessie to touch her butt and pretend to fuck her on a gynecologist's table. At the end of the reprise, Sara is sitting on her knees between Jessie’s legs just like it is in the show, but the difference is that Jessie doesn’t stop kissing Sara. Sara is the one who has to pull away when Jessie’s hands start wandering below her hips, shaking her head playfully.

“We have work to do, Miss Jessica.” Sara tsks, raising an eyebrow as she hops off the table. “That’s unprofessional, Jessica, I am appalled.” Sara pretends to be disappointed in Jessie, with her back turned to her and her arms folded over her chest. Jessie rolls her eyes and also hops off the table so she’s standing behind Sara and wrapping her arms around her waist. Sara’s resolve breaks and she melts back against Jessie when she can feel the ever so tiny baby bump press against her back. Now, at thirteen weeks, Jessie’s starting to grow and even though it’s small the bump is still noticeable. It’s so noticeable, Jessie doesn’t have the luxury of blaming her weight gain on too much food, instead she wears Andy’s clothes to hide it. She always comes into work wearing one of his t-shirts, and a pair of sweatpants, and no one questions it. They all know that Jessie is just tired and they let her wear what she chooses. The only people who know, other than Sara and Andy, are the costume people. Of course Jessie had to have her costume taken out, and of course they questioned the fact that her weight gain was mainly in her breasts and stomach even though they knew the answer. 

Jessie knows she won’t be able to keep it a secret much longer, especially if she keeps growing at the rate she is; she is certain by next week she’ll look like a blimp. Well, a secret from the cast. Her and Andy planned on telling Abby on Monday over dinner, and, as much as she hates doing it over facetime, her parents. As her second trimester begins in just three short days, the realization that her life is drastically changing is starting to feel real. And at the same time, she feels like her life is spiralling out of control. Between being closer to her wedding, having a baby, lying to Andy, and having an affair with a woman, Jessie feels like she’s lost her grip and is falling into the rabbit hole. Everytime she’s with either Sara or Andy, the guilt is almost overwhelming. Sara doesn’t deserve to be dragged along while she pretends to be in love with a man she isn’t even sure she ever loved. Andy doesn’t deserved to be lied to about where she sneaks off to almost every night, or that he’s loved, or that she’s excited to be a wife and mother to his baby. Andy is getting burned the worst and he doesn’t even know it. In Andy’s eyes, everything is perfect, even better than before, and every night when he kisses the baby then Jessie goodnight she can see that in his eyes. She’ll do anything to avoid crushing that hope, even if it means crushing Sara’s.


	6. Chapter 6

The room is too white, too pristine; it’s the first thing that Jessie notices when the nurse tells her to go into the third room on the right. The second thing she notices is how alone she is. Sure Andy is with her and bouncing about the examination room like a puppy on crack, but she doesn’t feel like he’s really there. For the past 10 weeks Andy had been an absolute blessing, for the first time since the beginning of their relationship, but Jessie still didn’t feel like it was truly happening. The baby doesn’t even feel real, but the roundness of her belly would suggest otherwise and she is certain that the ultrasound is the final proof. Initially they had wanted to wait to find out the sex of the baby, opting out of seeing the ultrasound at her 16 week appointment, but as Jessie lays on the table in the paper thin gown she realizes she wants to know. 

“Nervous, baby?” Andy asks, grabbing Jessie’s hand and pulling her out of her thoughts. Jessie pries her gaze off of the perfectly white ceiling tiles and stares at Andy for a little longer than what would be considered normal, especially after being asked a question. Andy smiles awkwardly, looking at her with expectant eyes.

“Oh, um, yeah… a little bit. I think I want to know the sex this time.” Jessie admits and Andy frowns.

“I thought we wanted to be surprised with they came out?” 

“I mean, it’d be fun, but I just want to know. I… I’m just curious.” Jessie shugs, thinking back to when Sara had told her that she had a gut feeling about it being a girl. Jessie shoots Sara a quick text while they’re waiting for the doctor to come in. It’s Sara’s last day in Waitress, and Jessie knows it’s about time for the show to be over but it wouldn’t be for probably another twenty minutes or so. Jessie still holds onto the hope that she’ll somehow burst through that door in five minutes to hold her hand, and look at the baby, and listen to it’s heartbeat with her, while Andy sits off to the side almost nonexistent. Jessie closes her eyes and groans internally, ever since the day in rehearsal with Sara she’d distanced herself from both of them. At least least she tried to distance herself, from Sara in particular, but she still spent a fairly decent amount of time with both of them. Just the weekend before Jessie had spent the entire weekend with Sara, even while she was away during shows, just to be there when Sara got home. 

Jessie went with Sara to shows occasionally, hanging out backstage during shows, listening to every fawn over her and asks to touch her belly. Jessie didn’t mind them touching her belly at all, but it made her sad that she’d more than likely never be apart of this family again. She can’t count the times she cried on Molly’s shoulder about how much she missed seeing her everyday, or how many times she scooped up Ella and Cate and just held them, or how many times she watched Opening Up Final from the wings with silent tears rolling down her cheeks. In those moments, even though she didn’t realized it then, she resents Andy. She knows it’s irrational and ridiculous to even think about it, but she can’t help it. It makes sense to Jessie, in some ways, why she feels that way; he knocked her up, he’s the reason she can’t breathe when she lays on her back, the reason she can’t hold Sara’s hand walking down the street. Jessie’s eyes fly open at the thought, realizing she let them get away from her. The doctor couldn’t come any faster. 

“Hey, babe, if we find out, maybe we can go baby shopping?” Andy asks, looking up at Jessie earnestly. Jessie smiles, genuinely smiles, at him. Ever since she’d found out she was pregnant Andy had mellowed out, he wasn’t always either drunk or frantically pacing around the apartment out of boredom. Now he goes to bed with her, he doesn’t ever drink except when his friends occasionally ask him to go out, and even then he doesn’t even get drunk. He sits with her on the couch and holds her while he rubs her belly just to feel the baby kick his hand, he makes her breakfast almost every morning, he kisses her good morning and good night again. Jessie can almost remember the man she fell in love with, but she doesn’t love the man he’s become. No matter what Andy is doing now, he can’t undo the things he’s done. They both know it. 

“Yeah, we can do that. I’d like that.” Jessie smiles again, holding his gaze for moment, a little longer than they have in a long time. Andy looks away first which surprises Jessie, but she doesn’t question it. She has no reason to question it when for the past four years she’s been the one to look away first. A sudden knock at the door makes Jessie jump and sits up a little straighter, thinking it’s the doctor coming to see her, but when Sara walks through Jessie relaxes and smiles brightly. 

“I...I, uh, ran here… from the theatre.” Sara pants, clearly having actually ran there. Her shirt is buttoned all wrong, her hair is messy from her wig pin curls, and one of her boots is still halfway unzipped.

“Sara, I didn’t realize you’d be here…” Andy comments, but doesn’t take his eyes off Jessie, who is trying not to shrink under his gaze.

“Well, I figured since I’m going to be Jessie Jr.’s god mother I should be here for this moment too.” Sara shrugs as she moves to sit behind Jessie on the table, resting her head on Jessie’s shoulder. It’s a normal thing for Andy to see when the two of them are together, but Jessie still gets nervous and shifts uncomfortable under Sara’s chin. Sara picks up on the discomfort and pulls away with furrowed brows, wondering what she did wrong. But she doesn’t have much time to think before there’s another knock at the door and a tall thin blonde lady comes in.

“Hello Jessie, how are we feeling today?” The lady asks, in her soft polite voice that Jessie loves. 

“Great, actually, I’ve been doing the exercises you told me to do and letting the baby listen to music and I’ve been taking it easy overall, but not too easy.” Jessie explains, keeping her eyes on the doctor despite wanting to look at Sara.

“And what about your sex drive? You mentioned last month that you were feeling very aroused more often. Is that being taken care of?” The doctor smirks, raising a brow towards Sara. Jessie’s face twists from a nervous expression to a horrified one, as she looks at Andy who isn’t sure what the doctor is talking about. The last time she had a doctor’s appointment, Andy had to miss it and Sara went with her. During said appointment, Sara let it slip to the doctor that they were having an affair, nearly giving Jessie a heart attack, and that’s when the doctor brought up the fact that Jessie’s sex drive would be increasing drastically. Sara was absolutely delighted to find this out, loving having the opportunity to tease and work Jessie up, but Jessie wasn’t looking forward to having to explain it to Andy. Especially when she would leave being grumpy horny and come back relaxed and giddy. And that happened often. On occasion, however, there were times when Sara wasn’t available because of two show days and Jessie was panting from needing release so desperately that she would jump Andy’s bones. He’d come home from work late in the evening and he’d barely be in the door before her lips were on his neck as she tugged him to the bedroom.

“Yeah, I’m...yeah. Taken care of.” Jessie nods, giving an awkward thumbs up. The doctor smiles and calls in a nurse to help with the ultrasound. 

“I think we’re ready to look at your baby now.” The doctor smiles and prepares the ultrasound. 

“You know the drill. It’s going to be warm, I have to push on your belly, the picture will be on the screen.” 

“Will you tell us the sex this time?” Jessie asks, softly.

“Of course, honey.” She nods, smiling as she lays Jessie back on the table. Sara stands on the side of the table farthest away from the monitor, secretly raging inside that Andy gets to be right there holding her hand and seeing everything clearly while she gets to rest her hand on Jessie’s shoulder and tries to look past Andy’s fat head. But she’s the one Jessie looks to when the baby appears on screen, mouthing out ‘look’ excitedly. Sara almost risks giving Jessie a kiss while Andy isn’t looking, but decides to kiss her forehead instead.

“Okay, you see that right there.” The doctor asks, pointing at a grey splotch on the screen.

“I think so…” Andy murmurs, staring intently at the screen. Sara rolls her eyes as she wonders why Andrew thinks the doctor is talking to him.

“That’s your baby’s bottom, Jess, and right there is her little bits.” The doctor points to another spot near the first one. “Personally, I like the name Louise, but I am partial to it.” The doctor teases. Jessie’s face lights up and she grabs Sara’s hand, not caring anymore about what Andy thinks.

“It’s a little girl… I’m having a little girl.” Jessie whispers, trying her best to keep her voice even and the tears at bay.

“You know, it’s okay to cry.” Sara whispers right back, squeezing her hand before gently pressing her lips to Jessie’s palm. The doctor leaves the room go get the print off the ultrasound, but before she leaves she tells Andy that it would be a good idea to go get the car so they can home sooner, sensing that Sara and Jessie need to be alone. The minute Andy is gone, Jessie is kissing Sara roughly, letting her tears flow freely now. 

“Sara, it’s a girl. We’re having a girl.” Jessie giggles, holding Sara’s face in the palms of her hand while Sara’s holds her belly. “You missed the cast party for this?” 

“Jessica, finding out the sex of our baby is far more important that a cast party. Everyone will understand.” Sara assures Jessie with a kiss, but sighs immediately after. “You’re not going to leave him, are you?” The question catches Jessie off guard and she looks up at Sara with wide eyes, as though she’d been caught with her hand in the cookie jar. 

“I can’t… I can’t hurt him, not now and especially not like this.” Jessie shakes her head, her own hand coming up to caress her belly. “He needs this. Sara, he’s changing because of her. I recognize him again. How can I take that away from him?” 

“I don’t understand how you can talk about not taking anything away from him after he’s taken the last five years of your life. Sure, things were great in the beginning, but you haven’t been happy for a long time, not since he picked up that bottle after that fight you had. Don’t you want better for your daughter? Our daughter?” Sara is desperate to try to get Jessie to leave. She’s offered her so many bribes, legitimate bribes, like a place to live, a bigger apartment, a year’s supply of bagels, a happy marriage.

“She isn’t your daughter…” Jessie swallows and Sara’s knees nearly give out. Sara jerks her hand away from Jessie’s belly, staring down at her with tear clouded eyes. Jessie takes deep breaths realizing what she said, but refusing to take it back. 

“I see. Well, Jess, if that’s how you feel...don’t...don’t bother coming by tonight or tomorrow.” Sara says as she is walking out of the room.

“Saz, no…” Jessie protests and Sara stops to look at her. “I didn’t mean it. I’m just upset…” Jessie whimpers and Sara takes a deep breath. She knows Jessie is being serious, but her words still stung, and she needed time to cool down before she said something even worse to Jessie.

“Just give me a few days, please.” Sara swallows and pushes past the doctor as she returns to the room. If Jessie’s doctor notices something is wrong, she doesn’t say anything, and focuses on showing the ultrasound to Jessie. 

Andy returns to the room a short while later, after Jessie is dressed and waiting for him, apologizing profusely for taking so long because traffic is hell. Jessie silently holds her arms out to him, just needing someone to hold her. Andy pulls back ever so slightly to wipe away Jessie’s tears.

“Hey, what’s the matter?” Andy whispers, but Jessie just shakes her head.

“Please just take me home.”

Jessie doesn’t say a word on the way back to their apartment, and holds her belly the entire time. She runs her thumbs gently over the warm bump, which is less of a bump and more like a blimp, trying to comfort herself by comforting the baby. The baby isn’t even the one who needs the comforting, the little girl hasn’t got a care in the world, she isn’t even in the world yet, but Jessie needs it. The soothing pattern she traces over her taught skin almost puts her to sleep in the back of the cab, snuggling under Andy’s arms. Jessie is still silent, even as they enter the apartment, clutching the ultrasound pictures for dear life. It’s the only life line she has left, the only that’s permanent. The only thing she can’t ruin.

“You want some water or food? I can make something or order something.” Andy offers as Jessie sits on the couch and stares blankly at the floor in front of her. Jessie nods even though she doesn’t really fully hear what he says. 

“I just want you.” Jessie whispers, barely audible and Andy has to lean in so he can hear her better.

“What do you want me to do, hon?” Andy whispers, kneeling on the floor in front of Jessie, gently stroking her legs. 

“Hold me, lie to me, tell me it’s going to be okay.” Andy nods and moves to sit on the couch next to her and even though he doesn’t understand, he understands. He wraps his arms around her tight and she clings to him, something she has done in a very long time. Andy wants to be thrilled about how close and affectionate Jessie is being, but the feeling is tainted by the knowledge that something is wrong.

“Andy, fuck me.” Jessie says suddenly after around ten minutes of silence.

“Jess, I don’t think that’s a go-” But Jessie cuts him off with her lips on his.

“Andrew, fuck me. Now. I need it.” Jessie whispers against his lips, and Andy can’t say no to her. Jessie strokes Andy throws his pants to get him worked up and it doesn’t take him very long to become fully erect. Andy stands up with her, still kissing her softly as he leads her to their bedroom. Jessie yanks her own clothes off as quickly as she can as she lays back on the bed. Andy follows suit, wishing things were going slower, even though he knows this is what Jessie needs. Jessie rolls over so she is sitting up on her hands and knees, the only way it really works anymore without her belly getting the way. Andy sighs and sits on his knees behind her on the bed.

“Jessie, is this-” 

“Yes, Andrew. This is what I want.” Jessie growls and impatiently wiggles her ass towards Andy. Andy doesn’t waste his time teasing Jessie, prodding at her entrance with the head of his cock. Jessie moans and presses back against him, growling, she doesn’t need played with, she just needs release. “When I said fuck me, I meant fuck me. Hard. I know you want to.” 

Andy readjusts himself so that he can grab her hips roughly and thrusts into her suddenly, causing Jessie to moan and close her eyes. It’s exactly what Jessie needs, and it only gets better as Andy bends over her and redoubles his efforts. The bed is creaking and rocking beneath them from the speed and the force at which Andy is thrusting. Jessie reaches between them to tease her clit, already close to the edge between her heightened her senses and her emotions running rampant. Andy groans in her ear and Jessie shudders, remembering that it isn’t Sara thrusting into her. Sara bought a strap on just for Jessie and she really knew how to use it too. Jessie feels guilty when she closes her eyes and pretends that Sara’s slender fingers are digging into her hips, that Sara’s hips are slapping against her skin, that Sara’s breath is down her neck. But it helps. Before she knows it, Jessie is coming, trying not to cry out Sara’s name, her body tense. Andy isn’t far behind her, and he cries out her name, making Jessie feel worse. As soon as he pulls out Jessie basically jumps out of the bed to busy herself with any other task she can find, leaving him alone and confused.

Sara doesn’t go home, even though she knows she should. She barely manages to stop the tears from rolling as the cab stops in front of the theatre, thankful that the cast had waited for her to be done before they started the party. When she walks through the door, it’s quiet and dark, and Sara assumes that she took too long getting back and the cast got impatient and left. She sighs, almost starting to cry again, she needed the comfort of familiar friends. Just as she is about to leave, everyone Jumps out and screams surprise. Sara can’t help the smile that spreads across her lips at the sight of her second family, but it doesn’t feel right. She doesn’t like lying to them about anything, especially this. She’s beyond thankful that she’d gotten so close to Charity that she can see right through her fake smiles and approaches her after the party. 

“Sara, I am many things, but blind isn’t one of them.” Charity pulls her aside into Sara’s dressing room. Sara has already packed most of her things up but a few things remain, the things she’s leaving for the next Jenna, and a few of the things Jessie had left for just her proudly displayed on the vanity. She wants the things Jessie has given her, but she likes seeing them there until she leaves. Although now, they are burning a hole in her heart. 

“Jessie… uh, Jessie gave me these things.” Sara smiles, fondly running her fingers over the rubber ducky, the framed picture of them in Boston, the little fake cacti Sara had fallen in love with while in Cambridge. Charity allows Sara to look over the items for a few minutes before speaking. 

“This is about Jessie, isn’t it? Is that where you ran off to after the show?” Charity asks, raising a brow. “We all know you’ve been seeing each other for months, you’re not discreet.” Sara’s eyes widen, but she still sits next to Charity and tells her everything. “She just needs time to cool off and work everything out. You gotta understand what this is like for her, being with Andy through all of this isn’t easy. We all saw it every time he came here, the way she’d tense when she’d hear his voice. We had a whole plan, Jenn and Molly and myself, to get her out of there. But she refused the help. I cried when she told us she was pregnant, but I didn’t let her see.”

“Charity, I can’t get her to leave. She’s miserable, but she thinks she has to stay because it’s ‘right’. That’s why they’re getting married.”

“Sara, if she won’t do it for herself, she won’t leave. You just have to be there for her through it all. And maybe once that baby is in her arms, she’ll change her mind.” 

Sara takes Charity’s words with her, but doesn’t call Jessie right away even though she thinks about doing it for over an hour and a half. She paces around her apartment, talking aloud to herself as she tries to figure out what she’s going to do about Jessie accepting her back in her life. It feels like a hole in her chest not having Jessie in her apartment when the sun goes down. The seat she curls up in every night is cold and empty, with no sign of its owner, almost as though Jessie has never sat there. As though she never curled up there every night before with a baby book and a cup of caffeine free tea, while she listened to and critiqued the songs Sara wrote for her album. Like she never sat in silence while Sara knelt at her feet with her ear pressed to Jessie’s belly. Those nights are Sara misses the most, where it was just the two of them holding each other all night as though they were the only two people to have ever existed. She sits in Jessie’s seat and picks up her phone, reading through their texts, smiling at every single corny pun Jessie sent followed by a joke apology. It makes her call Jessie. The phone rings and rings and rings and Sara expects the voice mail at any moment, but she’s surprised when she hears it pick up.

“H-hello?” Jessie’s voice on the other end sounds strained and Sara is on her feet in a second.

“Jessie, are you okay?” Sara asks, trying not to sound as worried as she is. Jessie hums into the phone.

“Hm? Yeah, no, it’s okay. Just some...nothing. I’m okay. Do you need something?” Jessie’s voice sounds nothing like the Jessie she knows. She sounds cold and calculating, almost scared.

“No, I, um, just wanted to see how you’re doing…” Sara swallows into the phone and it’s quiet for awhile before Jessie speaks again. 

“I-I’m fine.” Jessie lies, the fib so tangible Sara could reach out and grab it if she wanted to. But she doesn’t and it drifts off into the evening air like a feather caught in the breeze. “Um, I have to go. It’s getting late, I need to get some rest before baby shopping tomorrow.”

“We?”

“Andy and I.” 

“Oh.”

“Goodnight, Saz.”

“Goodnight, Jessa.” The line goes dead and Sara is alone again. 

Days pass with hardly change from Jessie, and Sara buries herself in the album once again and fights running away. She knows she can’t, remembering that Jessie just needs time to sort out what she’s going to do with her future. Jessie talks to her, sends her pictures of ‘I have the bestest god mommy on the PLANET’ onesies, and they even go out to lunch twice since the ultrasound. Sara doesn’t give up on trying to get her to move into her apartment, but Jessie refuses every time, still claiming that Andy needs her and that staying with him is the right thing to do. Sara gets so pissed off that she can’t even eat the rest of her lunch, her face turns bright red, and she sucks her bottom lip into her mouth to keep from saying something horrible. Jessie always leaves feeling like she’s doing something wrong, and even though she knows Sara isn’t trying to make her feel that way she can’t shake the feeling. 

The breaking point comes two days later, after the last lunch with Sara, when she walks in a on Andy in their bed with a pretty young redhead. The girl is maybe 24, if Jessie squints and doesn’t think about it too much, because if she’s honest with herself the girl is barely 21. Jessie had seen her once before at the bar when she’d bring Andy his lunch to work, and she’d been too friendly with him then, but Jessie had blamed it on too much alcohol for the night. Andy explained to her that night when she questioned it that she was celebrating her 21t birthday with some of her girlfriends, and that was the end of it. Six months later, Jessie stands in the doorway of her room, four months away to giving birth to their first child, watching her finance plow into some kid. The girl, Veronica she remembers, is the first to see her and slaps Andy’s back to get him to stop.

“Fuck, Jess. I thought you were going to be out with Sara for a while.” Andy quickly jumps out of bed and scrambles for his clothes, while Veronica makes a beeline for the front door, apologizing to Jessie as she goes.

“We are having a baby!” Jessie doesn’t try to stay calm, doesn’t pretend to be calm, she goes straight to yelling. Andy jumps and stares at Jessie with wide eyes, having never heard her raise her voice before. He stops what he’s doing to watch her, a scared look washing over his features.   
“You… You are going to… I-I can’t believe you did this. The drinking is one thing, the emotional absence is another, but this….this is a whole new level of fucked up.” 

“Jessie, please calm down.”

“You expect me to fucking calm down after this! How the fuck can you expect that of me?” Jessie is shaking, but her voice is firm and steady. “How could you cheat on me?”

“How could I? How could I cheat on you when you’ve been cheating on me?” Andy’s voice is slowly raising the more he speaks and Jessie nearly stumbles back at his works, looking at him confused. “Yeah, sweetheart, I know all about your little affair with the talented Sara Bareilles. You aren’t very discreet.”

“How can you turn this back on me? Do you even know how terrible you’ve been these past five years? Five fucking years. I have been nothing but excellent to you, I have given you a million chances, I have given you every bit of me. I have given up so much of who I am that when I look in the mirror all I see is you looking back at me.” 

“That’s pathetic, Jess. If I’ve been so terrible, why didn’t you leave? What makes you think anything excuses an affair?” 

“I could ask you the same thing!” Jessie all but screams, feeling like she’s running in a tight circle trying to get to safety. “Apparently, I’m just so boring that the thought of being with me makes you want to gouge your eyes out. That’s right, I over hear all of the things you talk about with your friends when you think I’m not listening.” Jessie growls as she pushes past him to get the closet where she starts throwing all of her things into a pile on the bed.

“Jessie, stop. You are going to hurt the baby.” Andy tries to stop her but she jerks away from him. 

“Don’t touch me. Don’t ever touch me again.” Jessie warns, staring him down like a wolf about to attack. 

“Jessica! Stop this right now! I swear to god…” Andy yells, grabbing her wrist to stop her from moving. “Think about the baby.”

“I am thinking about the baby. That’s why I’m leaving, I’m doing what’s best for my daughter. Now, let me go or I will scream until the neighbors hear and call the police.” Andy drops her wrist and backs off with his hands up. “You will never touch me like that again, or so help me god I will kill you with my bare hands.” Jessie listens to Andy yell at her, insult her, degrade her, for almost an hour before all of her things are packed. And it almost convinces her to stay, she almost believes him when he tells her no one will love her like he has. But she stays strong, keeps her head up and walks out the door because she knows no matter what she does Sara will always be there for her. Especially when she opens the door to her apartment to find Jessie with her suitcases and red eyes. 

“I’ve been an ass, and you’ve been right. He cheated and I left him. I… I left him, Saz. I finally did it.” Jessie breathes and Sara wraps her arms around Jessie tightly. “Sara, this baby needs her mommy, and so does her mama.”


	7. Chapter 7

“Baby don't you cry, I'm gonna make a pie, I'm gonna make a pie with a heart in the middle…” The soft hum of Sara’s voice fills the apartment with warmth, along with the early morning sun coming in through the window. Sara’s hands are resting on the sides of Jessie’s belly while she sings quietly to the baby, who is kicking away at Sara’s hands. “Do you think she can really hear me or she’s just responding to the pressure from my hands?” Sara asks after singing the whole song to the, apparently, thrashing baby.

“I have no idea, but I like how it feels when she moves. It reminds me that this is really happening.” Jessie smiles, a hand in Sara’s hair, the other on the top of her belly. Several weeks had gone by since she left Andy and Jessie has decided that she has never made a better decision in her life. She feels like she can breathe, she doesn’t have to worry about saying or doing the wrong thing, she doesn’t have to be scared that Sara is going to come home drunk, she can live again. For the first time in seven years she can be herself. Abby is the first person she tells about leaving Andy, she’s the only person Jessie tells. The fear of her parents rejection paralyzes her. Of course they are happy about the baby, their first grandchild, and they never expressed any disappointment about having the baby before marriage, but Jessie is still terrified that it could all change in an instant.

“You left him?” The disbelief floods Jessie’s ears as she listens to her sister from across the kitchen table. Abby stares at her for a good five minutes before looking away to hide the tears welling up in her eyes, tears of relief. Jessie can see them, despite Abby’s attempt to hide them, and smiles slightly. Ever since they were children Jessie had always been able to tell what emotions Abby was expressing through her tears, and seeing the relief flood from Abby is enough to make Jessie’s own eyes well up. 

“I can be happy now.” Jessie nods, whispering quietly more to herself than to Abby. It’s all the confirmation she needs to truly let it go. Before leaving, Abby scoops Jessie up, somehow holding her tight despite Jessie’s now massive belly. At 36 weeks, Jessie is almost full term and could go into labor at any moment, according to the doctor. She’s terrified. It feels like anymore all she does is feel scared about her future, their future. They’d already set up a nursery in Sara’s guest bedroom, and Jessie absolutely loves it. Sara let her make every single decision, from the light mint green walls with the yellows accents on the furniture, to the name painted on the wall in dark brown paint. They’d settled on Jenna Adrienne, it seemed appropriate to them since both women brought them together. Sometimes, Sara would come home from work, after recording her now finished album, to find Jessie sitting in the fluffy yellow rocking chair holding her belly and singing softly. Sara’s heart melts every time, imagining what it will look like to see Jessie with their baby actually in her arms. 

On top of recording her new record, Sara is also going through the second parent adoption process, a long process that is lawyer visits and filling out endless documents and a thousand background checks and social worker meetings, but no matter how exhausting it is Sara knows it will be worth it when Jenna’s birth certificate has her name on it. There’s only one more thing Sara wants to do and she prays over it every night, praying that Jessie will go for it. Sara wants to marry Jessie. She’s known for a long time, since the day they met even. Sara had never had the feeling before with anyone else but Jessie. She remembers the moment Jessie walked in the door and she got a feeling in the back of her mind: you’re going to make her so happy. Sara has never had any other intention since that day, even though the ride has been a little rough. They finally made it to their destination. 

Sara intentionally brings Jessie through “the wedding district”, as she likes to call it, on their Saturday morning walks. The streets are lining with wedding shops full of everything Jessie has ever wanted for her wedding. Jessie’s eyes light up every morning when she sees the wedding dresses, and rings, and cakes, loving imagining her own wedding. But her expression soon drops the longer they’re there, she doesn’t think Sara would ever marry her. She didn’t seem like the marrying type and eventually Jessie gets to the point where she doesn’t want to go through the wedding district. Sara’s plan is going as expected, even though she hates seeing Jessie so disappointed, but she knows it’ll be worth it. One Friday evening, Sara bounces into the living room where Jessie is lounging on the sofa in her jammies, with no plans of going anywhere. However, Sara has other plans as she produces a brand new maxi dress from behind her back. It’s black with purple and orange stripes going both horizontal and vertical, it screams Jessie Mueller, and Jessie smiles brightly.

“Is that for me?” Jessie bites her lip against a giggle. Sara raises a playful eyebrow, and shrugs.

“Nah, thought I’d try it out for myself. It’s definitely my style.” Sara smirks, holding up the obvious maternity dress up in front of her. “Of course it’s for you, go try it on.” Sara helps a reluctant Jessie up off the sofa, receiving growls and eye rolls. Jessie takes the dress from Sara and takes it to their bedroom to change, loving the way the dress looks once it’s on. The halter top style makes her neckline stand out beautifully, something hard to find in maternity clothes that Jessie likes. The stripes outline her figure perfectly, putting emphasis on her belly and taking away from the side effects that pregnancy has had on her body that she thinks are unflattering, even though in all honesty she’s barely changed. Sara still looks at her like she falls in love again every time. She loves the dress, she feels beautiful. Sara knocks on the door before coming in, her jaw drops the minute she sees Jessie.

“Wow...Jess… I- you look beautiful.” Sara stammers, frozen in the door frame, looking Jessie up and down. Jessie takes her hair down from the top knot and lets it fall down her shoulders, it’s gotten so long from the vitamins and Jessie just doesn’t have the motivation to cut it. Sara can’t help it when her hands find their way into the mess of soft blonde curls, and Jessie doesn’t mind. Sara kisses her and it feels like the first time she’s ever been kissed, but every kiss felt like that with Jessie. They kiss for what seems like hours, just embracing each other, holding onto each other like they’d never see one another again. That is, until Jenna grows impatient with Sara’s belly pressed against her and starts kicking furiously. Jessie laughs as she hesitantly pulls away from Sara to get the little girl to stop butchering her insides. 

“She’s going to be trouble, you know.” Jessie remarks, stroking her belly softly.

“Oh definitely.” Sara nods. “But I’m glad she interrupted because we have to get going if we want to make it in time before sunset.” 

“Make it where?”

“It’s a surprise, it isn’t far though. Do you want to walk or get a cab?” Jessie says she wants to walk, leaving out the part about the pressure from her lower belly down. It isn’t easy at all to walk, plus she already has to pee again, but she’s too stubborn to take a cab. Or to admit that the Braxton Hicks were becoming more and more frequent. Instead she holds Sara’s hand a little too tight as they walk down the street to the wedding district. Jessie sighs, really not wanting to go anywhere let alone the wedding shops. Sara actually takes her inside one of the dress shops this time, just to browse. She asks if Jessie like any of these and she does pick out a few that she wouldn’t mind getting married in, before growing impatient and wanting to go home. Sara’s plans have only begun though, seeing the cab waiting outside for them through the shop window.

“Sara, I don’t need a cab to go home. I can walk.” Jessie protests as she crawls into the back seat, with a great deal of struggle that she hides from Sara. A contraction decides to overwhelm her as they’re sitting in the back of the cab, Jessie doesn’t hide it as she squeezes Sara’s hand and takes deep breaths.

“Are you okay? We can go home if you need to.” Sara asks, starting to get concerned when the contraction lasts longer than usual.

“M’fine. It’s just a Braxton.” Jessie swallows as her muscles relax and her breathing returns to normal. The cab takes them over to Queens fairly quickly, just as the sun is starting to set and stops in front of the park where Sara and Jessie first went over a year ago after Andy left her. Jessie glances at Sara with an incredulous look, unsure of what’s going on or why Sara is smirking like that. She gets distracted by another contraction, not as bad as the first one but it takes her a few minutes to get out of the car. Sara leads her over to the bench on the hill where they had their first kiss, practically bouncing out of her skin with excitement. Jessie sits, feeling guilty for not being as excited.

“Okay, so this is where we first kissed. It’s been over a year since that moment, since we first realized we were in love. And it took us awhile to get to where we are now, but it has been so worth it. We’re having a baby, and we’re living together, and everything's going great. There is literally no one else I want to spend my life with or raise a baby with, but I want to make it official.” Sara pauses to drop to her knee and pull a box out of her pocket, presenting a ring to Jessie. “Will you marry me?” Jessie gasps, her eyes widening, and her hands cover her mouth.

“No, no, no.” Jessie groans and Sara shrinks in on herself, standing defeatedly. Jessie panics and throws her hands up. “No, Sara, wait. I’m not saying no to you. I’m saying no because my water just broke.” Sara’s eyes widen, looking down to see the pool in Jessie’s lap.

“Fuck, we gotta go. We don’t have the overnight bag or anything we need. Shit, shit shit.” Sara is all but running around pulling her hair out. Jessie is surprisingly calm as she pulls herself to her feet, struggling to hold herself up when another contraction hits. Sara frantically calls a cab and helps Jessie back over to the sidewalk, holding her up as they wait for the cab. Jessie sits in the middle of the cab and tries to remain calm, but as the contractions get longer and harder she can’t keep her cool. Soon she’s crying and almost screaming as she clings to Sara with each contraction. 

“I am not having a baby in this goddamn cab!” Jessie cries out as particularly terrible contraction overwhelms her. “Call Abby, tell her to get the bag and get her ass to the hospital. Now!” Sara hurriedly calls Abby with shaking hands.

“Hey, Abs. Um, we’re having a little, uh, situation. We need you to get the bag from the apartment and meet us at the hospital.” Sara tries to keep her voice steady but it shakes regardless of her attempts. For awhile Jessie is moderately quiet, until she suddenly screams.

“Sara, it’s coming!” Jessie screams and the cab driver turns pale, not wanting the seats of his car to be ruined. Luckily, the baby doesn’t come in the cab and by the time they get to the hospital, Jessie is calmer. The contractions have mostly stopped except for one every five minutes or so, but they’re not as painful, thanks to the medication the nurses pumped Jessie full with. Sara paces next to the bed and Jessie reaches out to grab her hand.

“Lemme see the ring.” Jessie hums softly. Sara reaches into her pocket and hands the box over to Jessie, watching Jessie put it on as soon as it’s in her hand. “Yes, I will marry you.” Jessie nods, reaching for Sara to lean in and kiss her. Abby arrives a half hour later, basically running through the halls to get to Jessie just in case she’d miss the birth if she didn’t. But hours pass before Jessie is finally dilated enough to start pushing. Jessie wishes she could go back to having contractions rather than this pain, it feels like a bowling ball is coming out of her vagina and she is sure she never wants to feel it again. The doctor didn’t give her an epidural, but just some pain meds through the IV, they aren’t working. The stirrups they put her legs in bring back memories of all the times she did Bad Idea with Drew, and even the one time she did it with Sara where her hands were in the stirrups for a change. She clings to the memories to distract herself from the pain.

“Okay, Jessie. Give us another push and her head should be out.” The doctor hums, seeming almost bored like he has somewhere better to be. Sara supposes this is normal, but this is her daughter and she wants him to be as anxious as she is about it. Jessie closes her eyes, buries her face in Abby’s arm, grits her teeth and pushes with everything she has. She can feel the baby leave her body and instantly everything is different. Everything does change. And when she hears the baby’s first cries her eyes fill with tears heavy with layered emotions. She feels scared, overwhelming love, pride, and despair. The despair shocks her as it creeps into the back of her mind, as she feels hopeless she’ll be a good mother. Jessie listens closely to her baby cry and the feeling of despair grows stronger. She wishes Jill was there to tell her it’ll be okay and tell her she’ll do fine, but she feels so alone without her own mother. Sara pulls her back from her thoughts by walking towards her with something pink in her arms, the smile on her face says everything. 

“Hello, little girl. I’m your mommy.” Jessie hears Sara coo softly and she realizes the baby isn’t crying anymore. Jessie is relieved. If Sara can get her to stop crying then there’s hope one of them will be able to do this. “Jessie, here’s your tiny human.” Sara hums and hands Jenna over to Jessie. The feeling is nothing like she’s ever felt in her life. Jessie holds Jenna’s hand with her index finger, examining the tiny details on her fingers. The fingernails the size of grains of rice, the little wrinkles in her skin, the muscles flexing to squeeze her mama’s finger tight. Jessie is overwhelmed with love and pride, and everything else is gone. Everyone in the room disappears until it’s just Jessie and Jenna and not a single person to come between them. Sara and Abby stand back to let Jessie have her time with Jenna, knowing they’d have plenty of time later. Abby nudges Sara’s shoulder.

“Did you ever think writing this musical would give you a family?” Abby smirks, her own eyes full of tears. Sara can barely speak as she witnesses the unbreakable bond between mother and child, never having ever thought it would be something she would get to witness like this.

“N-never. I-I knew it’d bring me a lot of happiness, but this… this is beyond happiness.” Sara whispers, wiping furiously at her eyes to hide the tears.

“It’s okay to cry.” Abby whispers, giving Sara little wink and a side hug.

Jessie doesn’t want to hand Jenna over to the nurses when they come to take her, and it almost gets to the point where they have to pry her away, but Sara is the voice of reason, assuring Jessie that it won’t be long before they bring her back. Jessie is thankful for the rest once Jenna is in the nurse's hands, making Sara crawl in the bed next to her to snuggle after the long day. Well, night now Jessie supposes as she looks out the window. 

“What time is it?” Jessie yawns and Sara checks her phone, ignoring all the messages that people have been sending her. 

“It’s five.” Sara hums, putting away her phone even though the urge to reply to her texts is strong. Jessie needs her more than those people need a reply. Jessie’s eyes widen, unsure of how that much time could’ve passed. Sara runs a hand through Jessie’s hair, calming her and telling her not to worry about her. She’ll get to sleep eventually. And she does once Jessie is able to drift off into a peaceful slumber, but it only lasts for about an hour before the doctor comes in to bring Jenna back to her mother. Sara forces her eyes open to listen to what the doctor has to say about the baby.

“She’s perfectly healthy. I can’t see anything that could be wrong with her and if all goes well, you’ll be out of here and on your way home in a few days. Do you have everything you need?” 

“We do, Jessie’s sister is home now making sure everything is perfect and she’s bringing the car seat later.” Sara informs him, feeling like she’s done something right for a change. Jessie is softly woken up by the doctor with the baby in his arms. Jessie smiles brightly, wanting nothing more than to hold her child for the rest of time. Sara places her arm under Jessie’s, the weight of Jenna pressing through Jessie’s arm, making Sara feel like she’s holding both of them.

“We did it, Jess. She’s here.” Sara whispers, still in disbelief that this tiny little thing is hers. Sara uses her free hand to stroke the baby’s cheeks, receiving a relaxed look from the baby. “Do you like that, sweetheart?” Sara whispers, watching as Jenna already responds to her voice. Sara realizes that she’s the first person that Jenna ever heard speaking to her and even though she won’t remember, Sara will. Jessie looks away from Jenna’s face to look up at Sara’s, just to look at her and marvel at the beauty of her. Her future wife, her baby’s mother, her everything. The life Jessie has now isn’t the life she chose, but it’s the life she’ll never trade in for anything.


End file.
